Vampire Party

Every wizard always hopes to get invited to the vampire end-of-the-year party. It makes sense, as it really is the funnest party. There’s free drinks and food and, as everyone knows, vampires are the sexiest monsters, so if you’re in a house full of them, your odds of making out go through the roof. To be fair, Frankenstein is also super into sex, but nobody really likes to think about that. Actually, I wasn’t going to tell you this part, but I guess I might as well. One year, Frankenstein was making out with this extra smoking hot vampire, when he got so hard his penis fell off. It started wiggling around on the floor, and it ran off when he tried to grab it. Soon it was running all over the house and freaking everyone out. Frankenstein kept yelling, “It’s more afraid of you than you are of it!,” but no one really believed him.

Anyway, last year at the party, these three wizards showed up uninvited, disguised as vampires, hoping no one would notice them. They thought they were playing it cool, but they were actually totally obvious, going around biting people on the neck all wrong and talking about how much they hated garlic. They got called out in like five minutes, and everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at them. The vampire DJ even did that thing where he makes the record scratch, and after everyone congratulated him for nailing the timing, they turned back and stared knives into the wizards’ souls.

I don’t mean that metaphorically either. The other wizards were pretty embarrassed that some rogue douchebags would show up without an invitation, so they all cast this spell called Soul Knife through their eyeballs. The spell cuts your soul free from your body, so you turn into a zombie and a ghost at the same time. The cool thing about that is that vampires can control zombies, and wizards can control ghost, so they ended up playing this super fun game where they kept switching the souls around between the bodies of the different wizards and confusing the shit out them. Everyone had such a great time and laughed so hard, they forgave the party crashing wizards and let them stick around. One of them even got to second base with one of the more popular vampires. In the end, it turned out to be one of the best parties ever, and everyone had a great time, and danced and yelled like maniacs, and stayed up until dawn… well I mean, you know, like almost.

party vampire
“Art” by David Britton
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