The Wizards of Chicken Valley

People didn’t really have a lot of respect for the wizards who lived in Chicken Valley. They were a pretty humble lot who mainly stuck to casting spells to make their chickens healthy and delicious. They also created a spell that made it so chickens actually wanted to get their heads cut off so that people could eat them. Don’t get too excited though. They never found a way to make it work on cows.

Of course, it didn’t help that all the wizards who lived in the valley were shorter than the chickens they raised. This was due to an unfortunate mishap that occurred when one wizard tried to shrink himself down enough to check out a chicken who was “having problems with her egghole.” I won’t go into all the details, but the long and short of it is that he ended up shrinking the whole town down, and since everyone really only knew chicken-related spells, they were never able to do anything about it.

But it was also indisputable that they raised the best-tasting chickens and eggs anywhere in the kingdom. They even managed to create “chicken milk,” which honestly is something of an acquired taste, but once you’re able to wrap your head around it, it’s pretty much the only thing you ever want to drink.

People would come from miles around just to buy their chicken-based products, but they were also totally rude about it. I guess they felt like they could get away with it because the wizards were so tiny, and also everyone knew they didn’t know Magic Missile, or Melt Genitals, or any good combat spells.

“How about a bucket of nuggets?” people would ask. “And feel free to throw yourself in there. You look pretty crunchy!”


“One glass of chicken milk please, but hey, no swimming around in my cup, okay? Ha ha ha!”

One day, this peasant came to the village and was getting two dozen eggs and a gallon of original recipe chicken milk when he accidentally stepped on the husband of the wizard who was helping him. Now this kind of thing happened all the time, and usually the wizards would just shake it off and cast Bone Mend on themselves, which is a super helpful spell to know if you’re raising clumsy chickens. But this time, the peasant raised up this shoe and said, “I guess I’ll take this guy too if you wanna scrape him off and fry him up.”

All the wizards stopped what they were doing and stared at the dumbass peasant. All the years of being figuratively and literally talked down to suddenly filled them with a volcanic rage (well, not so much the literal talking to down to. They knew that part couldn’t be helped). They all slowly removed their adorable little wands from their adorable little cloaks and pointed them at the peasant.

“Um hey,” said the peasant, “sorry about that. Um, what if I just pay for this stuff and get out of here?”

But it was too late. Every wizard in Chicken Valley just cast the first spell that came to mind. The stupid peasant started running all over the place squawking and growing feathers. Eggs were coming out of every hole on his body, and hybrid chicken/peasant milk was shooting out of his nipples. Worst of all, he was filled with a desire to get his head chopped off, not only because, like, seven different people cast that spell on him, but also because, you know, he wasn’t in the greatest situation. At any rate, the wizards were happy to oblige.

Later at the feast, everyone agreed he tasted kind of weird, but it was a nice change of pace to eat something that wasn’t chicken.


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