Doom Bike

When you’re a super powerful magical being, sometimes you end up creating super powerful magical stuff without even knowing it. Like one time, a wizard was fishing mortal-style on this big lake in Scotland. When he bent over to put a worm on his hook, he didn’t notice that his bag of magic sand starting pouring into the water. It floated down, down, down until it landed on this eel and made it grow huge! In fact, it got so big that it ate the Loch Ness Monster. So, sorry if you were hoping to see that some day, but you can’t now because it’s dead.

What’s even worse was the time a wizard accidentally made The Doom Bike. This wizard named Dynastor lived right by the BMX park in town, and on his way home from wizard work he would watch the kids doing sweet stunts and sick flips off the dirt ramps. Because he was a cool wizard and not an evil one, sometimes he would do a small spell to make them catch some extra air during the sweet/sick stunts/flips. One day, he was walking home when one of the kids shouted at him, “Hey mister, it seems like you like bikes. You wanna come over, and we’ll teach you how to do a bar turn or somethin’?”

Now, Dynastor knew better than to meddle in mortal affairs, especially after the time he created the Cheddar Bay Biscuit*,  but he figured it wouldn’t hurt to do just a couple tricks and impress the hell out of these kids before he went back to working on creating a portal to the sideways dimension.

*You’re probably not surprised to hear that a wizard created the Cheddar Bay Biscuit. Dynastor invented them sometime in the mid-eighties by putting unicorn dust** on some old dinner rolls that were leftover from a party. He knew right away it was far too powerful/delicious and that weak-willed mortals would be unable to stop eating them before they exploded. Still, he just couldn’t bring himself to destroy them. He decided to hide them at Red Lobster where he figured no one would ever find them. Turns out that ended up saving the company, and people still enjoy a similar, but luckily very toned down, version of Dynastor’s recipe. For years he would wake up in a cold sweat wondering what havoc the biscuits might have caused if he had put them in a Taco Bell.

**Dirt a unicorn has stepped on.

Dynastor climbed up to the top of the dirt hill where all the kids were standing, and this tiny little girl with pigtails rolled up to him on a cute little pink bike with tassels and said, “‘Scuse me mister, my name is Maggie, and you can you use my bike if you wanna even though it ain’t so big.”

Everybody went “Awww!” all at once and Dynastor knew he had to use the bike even though it had a bunch of Care Bear and Smurfette stickers all over it.

“Um, okay,” he said sitting down on the bike and starting to pedal. All the kids were laughing because his knees kept hitting his chin, but they stopped as soon as he came up the first ramp. He went a good 30 feet into the air and right into an inverted moto-whip. Then, he flipped over the handlebars and did an upside-down Superman before coming back down and speeding onto the next ramp. He filled all the kids’ heads with the song “Push It”, and even though none of them even knew who Salt-N-Pepa were, it got them totally pumped as they watched Dynastor land one amazing trick after another. He did a Frankenstein fakie to 360, an inverted Robot sex boot, and did three flips while playing a harmonica solo that went perfectly with the breakdown in “Push It.”

After about seven or eight minutes of blowing everyone’s minds out of their skulls, he came back up to the top of the hill where all the kids were standing, rolling on his front wheel and drinking a cup of tea he had hidden in his robe the whole time.

“Well that was fun,” he said real cool and nonchalantly like it was no big whoop.

“Wow mister!” shouted Maggie. “Thanks for making my bike famous!”

This made everyone say, “Awwww!” again.

Dynastor ruffled her hair and said, “Thanks for letting me use it. Bless you Maggie, and bless your little pink bike.”

And right there was where he fucked up. If you’re a wizard, you can’t just go around blessing things. It’s not like when a normal person says it and it doesn’t mean anything. If a wizard blesses something, it really gets blessed. That’s why when they sneeze around each other they just say, “Shut up Carl” or whatever.

Of course, Maggie wanted to ride her bike right away after Dynastor left. She hopped on, strapped on her Rugrats helmet, and started down the hill, but when she got to the top of the other side, the bike just kept going up and up and up. It was blessed and so was she, so it took Maggie straight to heaven and didn’t come back until the next day. Nobody knew the bike had taken Maggie to heaven. They just thought she had disappeared into the sky.

The thing about magical bikes is that if you see one you’re overcome with an insatiable desire to ride it. The bike would land in town, some kid would hop on, and it would take them straight up to heaven. That’s not really “Doom” exactly, I guess, but that’s what people called it because they had no idea what was going on.

The gods were super confused about all these living kids showing up on the same bike over and over. Nobody knew exactly what to do with them, so they made a new BMX heaven and gave them all bikes to ride around. It ended up being rad, and everyone loved it. People from other parts of heaven showed up on the weekends and would watch stunt shows the kids would put on. Since Maggie had been there the longest and was blessed, she always did the coolest stunts and was basically the leader, even though the group considered themselves more of a socialist democracy.

Eventually, everything got figured out, and the gods said the kids could go back to earth. Most of them didn’t though.


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