Just like the rest of us, Wizards have to keep in shape. But not their bodies, which they realize are merely vessels for holding all their powers and blood. No, Wizards have to exercise their magic lest they become lame wasteoids who can only use their wands to change the channel and scratch their sex parts. 

Here is a typical Wizard workout if you’re mid-level or whatever:

  • Create 100 frogs in two minutes.
  • Turn invisible and back five times while floating.
  • 50 jumping Jacks. (This is what they call lighting peasant’ butts on fire.)
  • Five sets of summoning a Level 3 demon or three sets of summoning a Level 5 demon (depending on whether you’re going for tone or power).
  • Summon Satan once. (This never works, but the attempt really bulks up your wand, plus it annoys Satan and that’s always hilarious.)
  • Talk to a cat about your feelings for five minutes.
  • Think of two things you can’t imagine.
  • Imagine one thing you can’t think of. 
  • Run backwards through time until you haven’t started yet.

Obviously, Wizards can adjust up or down depending on their power level, or sidewise depending on how real or fictional they are feeling that day. 

Oh, I almost forgot! There was this one Wizard once who was into doing sit-ups all the time. His name was Abacus, and he was also great at counting. He’d sit there in the middle of his hut doing situps and shouting, “FIVE MILLION AND ONE! FIVE MILLION AND TWO! FIVE MILLION AND THREE…” Sometimes a neighbor would get annoyed and shout back at him, but then he would just float the neighbor over to his stomach and crush them with his mighty 32 pack. 

None of the other Wizards understood why Abacus wasted his time doing workouts when he could get just as ripped by casting a spell. They would mock him by pulling up their shirts and showing off 64, 128, and 256 packs. “Hey Abacus,” they would yell. “Why don’t you count how dumb you are! Nevermind, we did it for you! It’s one because you’re the number one wizard at being dumb!”

But what the other Wizards didn’t know is that Abacus was born with both his brain and his heart in his tummy. Since the brain, heart, and tummy are the three organs where your magic lives, Abacus had been making them all SUPER strong for decades, an effect no spell can duplicate. You might think that means Abacus finally used all that stored-up power to blast a glowing white-hot fireball out of his belly and melted all the other Wizards laughing faces right off, and you would be right because that is what he did. Because he was so powerful though, he brought them all back to life. Then he did it again. On a clear night if you listen really hard you can still hear him shouting, “FIVE MILLION AND ONE! FIVE MILLION AND TWO! FIVE MILLION AND THREE!…”


(Sorry it was so brutal.)


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