Previously on the Chronicles of Baby Wizard:
Baby Wizard and his best friend Sophie figured out that an evil wizard kidnapped all the world’s mountains and put them in this one big valley he knew about. Before they could even think about how they might put all the mountains back, the bad wizard tried to kill them. It seemed like a pretty big problem because the wizard used all of the mountains’ powers to send beams of death at them, but then Baby Wizard said it would be okay, which seems nuts because of what a bad situation it was for them. Anyway if you’re curious about what happens then you should read this story called:
The Chronicles of Baby Wizard: Baby Wizard in the Valley of Mountains Part 2: What Happened
All the bad beams of death came at Baby Wizard and Sophie super fast, which was the worst speed they could have come at. When Baby Wizard said, “I got this,” Sophie was a little worried because even though she trusted him, she thought a million billion beams would be a lot to handle. What she didn’t know was that the B.W. was actually casting a spell called It’sAllRight that was first invented in the ‘70s. It’s this real real powerful spell that each wizard gets to cast once per lifetime or once every 10,000 years (whichever comes first) that makes it so everything is okay. A lot of wizards won’t even use it when they are about to die because they think they might need it later. You cast it by saying something like, “No worries,” or “Chill my dudes,” or whatever, while simultaneously believing it in your heart.
When Baby Wizard cast the spell and said the magic words, all the beams suddenly turned into little yellow birds and flew off, which was a detail he always planned to add whenever he cast this spell. He was still pretty worried, but part of him was happy to see that he pulled that part off (even though everyone was too preoccupied to appreciate it at the moment).
The fact that Sophie and Baby Wizard didn’t die was confusing for the bad wizard since that’s what he was trying to make happen. “What the…,” he mumbled to himself while looking down the barrel of his wand (which is a great way to get your face exploded or turned into a bunch of snakes, so clearly, he was also kinda dumb).
“Dive! Dive! Dive!” Baby Wizard yelled politely to Sophie. So, Sophie did that.
“Okay,” Baby Wizard said when they landed, “I think we’re safe for now since he probably doesn’t want to send any beams down here and risk blowing up any of the mountains he stole.”
“That. Was. AWESOME!” yelled Sophie as Baby Wizard crawled off of her back. “How did you do that??”
“I’ll tell you later,” said Baby Wizard. “Right now, we need to come up with a plan to get the mountains back but also not to die.”
Sophie agreed that that was the best course of action.
Back at the cave, the evil wizard was feeling pissed. “Who is that little baby wizard and dragon, and why are they trying to fuck up my shit?” he thought.
“Gengleferd, Nerb, Cronk!” he yelled. “Get in here!”
Then these three giant trolls who worked for him came jogging in.
“Hey, go find that little baby wizard and that dragon and smash the shit out of them, would you?” he asked. “I’ve got stuff to do.”
Gengleferd, Nerb, and Cronk looked at each other. Dragons and wizards were the two hardest things to smash the shit out of, and doing both at once would be pretty much impossible.
“Ummmmm…” started Nerb.
“OH UmmMMm!” yelled the evil wizard, totally mocking him. “Just do it! I don’t have time for this shit!”
Gengleferd, Nerb, and Cronk lumbered out of the cave feeling pretty forlorn and started looking around for the dragon and the wizard even though they weren’t super jazzed about it.
Trolls have a pretty good sense of smell, and dragons and babies both have a pretty strong scent, so they were easy to locate. Twenty minutes later, the three trolls were hiding behind a rock trying to figure out what to do.
“What if we smash dem super quick so dey don’t have time to sets us on fire or cast a bad spell?” asked Nerb.
“Yeah, dat be good idea!” said Gengleferd. “But what if dem be even quicker den what our quick is be?”
“Den we’s need to be even more quicker den dat!” said Nerb.
“An interesting plan gentlemen,” said Cronk, “but I think perhaps that in this case, discretion is the better part of valor. Personally, I feel we’d be better off sneaking away and risking our master’s rath, rather than engaging in direct confrontation with these two creatures. After all, you saw how easily they dismantled the death beams.”
“Yeah and also one of dem is a dragon!” said Nerb.
“And da other is a cutie wizard!” added Gengleferd.
“It’s agreed then,” said Cronk. “Let’s away! The sooner we begin our flight, the greater our head start, and the better our chances of survival.”
“Makes sense to me,” said Baby Wizard, as he and Sophie poked their heads over the top of the rock. “I was just hoping that before you left you could tell us about your master and what exactly his plans are.”
“Well fuck,” said Cronk.
The three trolls sheepishly came out from behind the rock and stood there shuffling their feet.
“Well,” said Baby Wizard, “out with it now.”
“Okay,” said Cronk, “but you have to give us your word as a wizard that you won’t turn us into worms or set us on fire or whatever.”
“Fine,” answered Baby Wizard. “I give you my word as a wizard, although if you’ve ever met a wizard you know that’s worth about two goblin poops and a fairy fart*.”
This made everyone chuckle and calm down a bit.
*Fairy farts are actually super rare and valuable, although fairies deny they exist.
“Alright,” said Cronk, “here’s the deal. The guy’s name is Zeltazar, and he’s pretty much the worst. My brothers and I were just chilling in our cave and eating some sheep,” (he left out that they were also eating the shepherd, but Baby Wizard could have guessed), “when suddenly our mountain was here and this bossy wizard was telling us we were his slaves or whatever. He seemed dumb, but we figured if he could move a whole mountain he must be really powerful and we better just do what he says. Besides, wizards normally just set us on fire, so we were actually kind of lucky.”
Baby Wizard had to acknowledge that wizards could be jerks like that, but that was an issue for a different time.
“Wait,” he said. “You got moved with the mountain? But when Sophie’s mountain got moved, she stayed behind.”
“Yeah,” said Sophie, “it took my whole treasure horde, but I was just suddenly hanging in the air. I was in the middle of a nap too! Luckily, I woke up before I hit the ground, or I would have been dragon pâté.
The trolls started drooling a little bit thinking about dragon pâté, but even they were smart enough to not mention how good it sounded.
“Yeah, I think at first he was grabbing just the mountains,” said Cronk, “but later he got kind of lazy and would grab everything in or on them too. I’ve seen like five or six griffins and two or three giants and that’s just in the mountains around us.”
“Wow, I bet they’re all super honked off,” said Sophie.
“Hmmm…” said Baby Wizard, “I bet they are quite honked off indeed.”
He turned toward the Trolls. “Do you think they might even be honked off enough to form the coolest, most badass army of all time?” he asked.
“Oh yup, dey is dat fur sure and sure!” shouted Nerb. “Deys the maddest mad I ever did see! We pretty mad too! Why you ask?”
“God trolls are so dumb,” thought Baby Wizard.
…To be concluded!