Dogularr

Of all the things wizards have ever invented, probably Dogularr was the best. I mean technically god invented him first because he was a dog, but then a wizard came along and cast a bunch of spells on him to make him extra incredible. 

Dogularr was like this totally ripped dog that was seven feet tall when he stood on his hind legs (which he usually did). If you threw a stick for Dogularr he would chase it down, use it to beat up a criminal, then come back to you with the stick plus a bowl of soup and half a sandwich he made. Oh and guess what? It would be the best soup and sandwich you’ve ever had in your life and there wouldn’t even be any dog hair in it. 

The wizard who invented Dogularr did it because she thought he would make people happy and she was 100% right. Unfortunately, she died right after she got done making him. He was just so amazing she choked on a popsicle stick marveling at him. This was of course before Dogularr learned the Heimlich maneuver, which he knows really well now. Everyone agreed it was sad but at least she died with popsicle taste in her mouth, so that made it a little better. 

Anyway, this incident made Dogularr obsessed with helping people who were in trouble, kind of like what happened to Batman, only just one person died in this version so it wasn’t quite as tragic. As you probably would have guessed Dogularr was great at saving people, and if you want, and you have the time right now, I’ll tell you about the greatest rescue Dogularr ever pulled off. 

He was taking himself for his usual walk around the neighborhood (people sometimes called it his “paw-trol” which Dogularr thought was stupid but he would laugh politely anyway because he was such a good boy) when his sensitive dog nose picked up the smell of burning cabbage. Now, most dogs don’t care for vegetables and they prefer their food raw, so they would have just gone about their day peeing on rugs and bothering cats, but not Dogularr. He knew it was far too early for lunch and most people don’t have burned cabbage for breakfast, so that meant he also smelled something else: TROUBLE!

Dogularr took off at top speed, which as you might imagine was quite fast indeed, and sure enough, when he got close to the smell his worst fears were confirmed. The old cabbage warehouse on the edge of town was on fire! Also, the edge of town was an actual cliff overlooking the ocean and now the warehouse was about to fall over into it. 

“Help! Help!” cried all the cabbage accountants and salespeople trapped in the flaming/falling building “We are both burning up and falling into the ocean!”

You might think the ocean water would just put out the fire, but unfortunately, a garbage barge was going by just then, and it was directly under where the warehouse was going to land.

“Help! Help!” cried all the garbage barge accountants and salespeople “A burning building full of cabbage is about to fall on us.”

Now most of us would just stand there and watch this all unfold in horror, or maybe even take out our cameras and try to get famous on YouTube, but not Dogularr. Instead, he started running even faster than the speed at which he had been running, which as I told you earlier, was already super fast. 

Without hesitation, he crashed through one of the windows in the warehouse right as it fell off the cliff. He rolled across the floor in this really cool way while shouting “Get in the cabbage bin!” Everyone was pretty confused, and confused people are always happy to take directions so they all got in the giant wooden bin filled with cabbage. Dogularr then used his mighty muscles to shove the entire bin through the big window on the other side of the factory. The bin crashed through the glass shattering it into a million pieces and looking cool as hell. The force of his mighty push moved the bin further out into the ocean and away from the garbage barge. 

“Oh great,” said one of the accountants all sarcastic like “Now we’re in a falling cabbage bin instead of a falling building. What an improvement.”

Dogularr knew they only had precious seconds before they hit the water, so he didn’t have time to deal with the accountants’ sass-mouth. 

“Grab a big cabbage and do exactly what I do!” he yelled over the rushing wind. Then he grabbed a cabbage, jumped out of the bin, and did a perfect jack-knife move he’d been working on in case he ever had to do a rescue that involved cliff diving. Everyone grabbed a cabbage and tried their best to imitate the dive Dogularr did, and even though none of them exactly nailed it, they all managed to pull it off, more or less. 

They all hit the water right before the warehouse slammed into the barge, sending flaming concrete, cabbage, garbage, and seagulls everywhere. 

Not all the accountants and salespeople could swim and they had gone pretty deep, but as you might know, if you’re into vegetables, cabbages are extremely buoyant. Everyone held on tight to their cabbage and floated back up to the surface and got a look at one of the craziest sites they’d ever seen in their lives. Dogularr didn’t have time to appreciate it though. He was too busy grabbing people in his powerful jaws and dog-paddling them back to shore. He even managed to save the crew of the garbage barge, who had all taken refuge in an industrial walk-in freezer that a Burger King had thrown out.

Later, some people said that the most amazing part of the whole story was that everyone had managed to hold on to their cabbage. But other people said that those people must not have been paying attention to all the stuff that happened both before and after that. 

Anyway, the next week the mayor gave Dogularr the “Bone to the City”, a special prize they made up just for him. Dogularr appreciated it but didn’t think it made a lot of sense as a metaphor. That was okay though, that’s not why he did it.