Mission to the Sun

Listen up idiots, the earth is not flat. It’s a round ball. Always has been, always will be.

The sun, on the other hand, is a round disk covered with flowers. This is the conspiracy the corporate-run media doesn’t want you to discover. Back in ye olden days, people thought it was a ball because, well, they were just super into balls back then. Later, when plastic was developed, the ball-shaped sun was what they based all those little models of the solar system on. When they finally figured out the truth in the mid-eighties, it was far too late. Could you imagine them having to go back and switch all the ball-shaped suns for the correct disk-shaped ones? Sure most of the models got broken in the first week, but that literally left hundreds of them to be replaced. The sheer scale made the vast “ball-shaped sun” conspiracy a necessity.

Naturally, wizards know the truth and go to the sun all the time to harvest sunflowers. No not that kind, although they do look similar. They have long green stems and broad leaves, but instead of bright yellow flowers at the top, they have what looks like burning yellow suns, which are, ironically, perfectly spherical.

Sunflowers are great for all kinds of things: cooking, heating your hovel, giving your friends prank sunburns, but mostly wizards use them to start mini galaxies, which is a fun, if somewhat expensive hobby.

One time two wizards, Nob and Nural, built themselves a spaceship to go to the sun. They were best friends/lovers so they decided they could both be captains and serve as each other’s first mate. This is the kind of good idea that separates wizards from normal boring people.

“Did you plum the main jib and host the sun sail?” asked Nural

“Aye-aye, captain!” answered Nob “Did you lash the wenches and shiver my timbers?”
“Aye-aye, captain!” answered Nural “The hull has been keeled and I pooped on the deck!”

“Very good Mister Nural,” said Nob “Make fast the giblets and set sail for the sun!”

Nural quickly cooked up a pot of giblets and they were off.
It was two weeks into their turgid journey when Nob spotted something on the Look-O-Scope. “Captain!” he cried “Spacebats off the formal bow!”

Spacebats, as you might know, are insane ravenous bats created by a wizard who wanted something to eat all the bugs around his shack. He made them both too ravenous and too horny though. They ate everything and bred faster than rabbits. They almost took over the world, but luckily some wizards got together and banished them into space. As it turned out they were both magical and stubborn enough to survive, so now they just fly around the galaxy fucking and eating everything. Honestly it’s a pretty awesome life.

“Evasive maneuvers Mister Nob!” cried Nural “Come about and give them a taste of our cannon!”

“I’m about to come thinking about the taste of YOUR cannon.” said Nob

“This is no time for levity captain!” answered Nural “Let’s blast these holy hell beasts back to their creator and get to the sun!”

“Oh we actually know their creator,” said Nob “Remember? That Smelkergard guy, who used to invite us to his cookouts all the time?”
“I don’t remember,” said Nural “Are you sure that was me?”

“You remember,” insisted Nob “He was boring but the food was really good? He had that cabbage salad that was so good you said you’d break up with me if he gave you the recipe.”

“Ooooooooh yeah!” said Nural, “that food was good!”

“It was.” said Nob

“FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!” yelled Nural

Nob pressed the big button marked fire and the ship’s giant cannon roared to life, sending an enormous space cannonball hurtling towards the bats. Most of the bats dodged out of the way, but it managed to splatter a few of the ones who were busy fucking.

“It’s no good sir!” said Nob “We’ll have to make a run for it!”

“Yes sir!” yelled Nural “engaging turboboosters!”

Nural pressed the button marked turboboost that was located directly next to the button marked fire. It was a very well designed ship.

“We’ll have to make straight for the heart of the sun!” Nural screamed over the sound of the whining engines “Then we’ll pull up at the last minute and watch those cave rats burn up like marshmallows that fall off your stick and into the campfire!”

“It’s too risky sir!” cried Nob “You’re insane!”
“That’s why you love me captain!” answered Nural

“No! I love you because you’re empathetic and a good listener!” screamed Nob

But it was too late. The ship rocketed toward the sun like a rocket that had been shipped to the sun.

“Pull up! Pull up!” cried Nob.

“Not yet, not yet” muttered Nural, gritting his teeth and holding fast to the ships steering wheel.

“NOW! NOW! PULL UP! PULL UP!” screamed Nob.

“AYE AYE SIR!” yelled Nural, pulling back on the wheel with all his might.

The tiny ship flattened out and skimmed along the surface of the sun, popping burning spheres off the tops of the sunflowers and sending them hurtling into the air. Behind them a hundred shrieking bats crashed into the surface of the sun, exploding in firey horny death.

“WOOOOOOOO HOOOO!” screamed Nural


The boys were so excited they did a victory lap around the sun before finally landing and setting about their work. They managed a terrific haul of sunflowers and also went back and grabbed what fangs and claws they could harvest from the Spacebats. I know that sounds gruesome, but wizards can’t afford to be squeamish when it comes to harvesting what, let me tell you, are some pretty rare potion ingredients.

When they got back to earth they used some of their sunflowers to throw a big cookout for all their friends. Everyone was enraptured by their story and cheered like mad when they got to the part about the bats crashing into the sun.

“That reminds me of the time I had to fight a trio of goldfish on the bottom of my pool.” said Smelkergard “Did I ever tell you about it?”

Nob and Nural sighed and each took another bite of their cabbage salad. Sometimes, they both thought, sacrifices have to be made for the greater good.


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