The Fairy and the Bear

Once there was a bear and a fairy who were best friends. They met at one of those forest mixers where all the elves and deer and hermits and stuff get together and bring a covered dish to share. Supposedly the idea is to discuss forest business like river conditions and berry allocation, but for the most part everyone just goofs off and eats.

Anyway, the fairy and bear both reached for the last honeyed grub at the same time and kind of smiled at each other.  

“Oh, you take it,” said the fairy, “I’ve already had one.”

“Well, I’ve already had 12,” laughed the bear, then added, “I didn’t know fairies even liked grubs.”

“I’ve always had exotic taste,” answered the fairy, “One time I even tried salmon just to see what all the fuss was about. I thought it was weird though.”

“You just haven’t had the good stuff,” said the bear. “You gotta get ‘em during spawning season, that’s when they’re the best.”

“Oh, do they taste better when they’re horny?” asked the fairy.

The bear blushed (not that you could tell what with the fur and all) and didn’t say anything.

“SorrySorrySorry!” shouted the fairy, “I’m always making dumb jokes like that. Ignore me.”

“Oh… hahaha!” laughed the bear “No, it was funny. It just took me by surprise is all.”

They ended up talking for the rest of the mixer and it turned out they had a lot in common. They both liked sleeping in when it was cold. They both hated when leprechauns left stray gold around the forest (it tended to attract humans), and they both felt bees were too greedy with their honey.  

“I just don’t know why they have to be so stingy,” complained the fairy.

“Not to mention so sting-ee”  said the bear.

“What…?” said the fairy “…Oh! Hahahaha, that’s so dumb!”

“Oh sorry,” said the bear “I meant to say so sting-ee and horny.”

Everyone stared as the bear and the fairy rolled around on the ground laughing like idiots. 

After that, they were pretty much inseparable. The fairy would fly around and find the best grubs and the bear would let the fairy sleep in his fur when it was cold. Everybody assumed they were dating and it was the scandal of the woods that season. Everywhere you went creatures were gossiping about them.

 “How can she stand that smell?” said a weasel (who had no room to talk).

 “He’s just using her for her magic,” said a kobold. 

“How does that even work, like physically,” said a fox who was obsessed with sex.

But the truth is they were just buds. One time they kissed after they unknowingly ate fermented blackberries, but they both agreed it was a mistake, especially the part where the bear accidentally put the whole fairy in his mouth. 

One morning the fairy was flying over to see the bear when she got caught in what she assumed was a spiderweb. This was no big deal as fairies always carry a small knife for such occasions and consider spiders something of a treat. Quickly she pretended to faint from fear, that way she should stab the spider in the face when it got close. Only this time no spider showed up. Instead, she heard a voice saying “Thank god! I couldn’t spend another week in these woods.” 

She looked up and saw a wizard in a pointy red hat holding her in a net. She tried cutting the strings but they didn’t so much as fray when she ran her knife across them. 

“Don’t bother,” said the wizard. “The webbing is made of unicorn mane, and it also has magic damping. Picked it up for six silver at a dwarven market last week. They’re usually at least ten and that’s for the smaller ones.”

“Am I supposed to be impressed that you caught me in a cheap net?” asked the fairy.

“It’s not cheap,” said the wizard, “that’s what I’m saying. It’s actually a really nice net.”

“Great, you’re very thrifty,” said the fairy “Was there something you wanted?”

“Oh don’t worry,” answered the wizard “I just need to shake off some of your fairy dust for a potion I’m working on, then I’ll totally let you go.”

“Oh I see,” said the fairy. “So you’re just going to kidnap and rob me real quick. That’s very sweet of you. I don’t suppose you thought of just offering to buy some dust from me?”

“Well that would kind of defeat the purpose of buying the net, wouldn’t it?” asked the wizard, as if she was being a bit thick. 

“Jesus Christ,” muttered the fairy.

“What?” asked the wizard.

“Nothing,” said the fairy, “Just some new god people are into. Look, if you let me go now and leave the net behind, I’ll let you leave the forest alive, how’s that for a deal?” 

“I don’t think you fully grasp your current predicament,” said the wizard. 

“That’s funny,” said the fairy, “I was about to say the same thing to you.”

Just then the wizard heard a deep roar over his right shoulder and turned to find a huge brown bear standing on its hind legs. 

“Holy shit!” he yelled, dropping the net and grabbing for his wand. 

This was, of course, a huge mistake, as he had taken his attention off the far more dangerous of the two creatures. 

Immediately the fairy flew out of the net and severed his first two fingers before he could point the wand at the bear. All three objects hit the ground with a sickening thump.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” screamed the wizard, holding up his bloodied hand. 

“Buddhist Christ, stop being such a baby,” said the fairy, who was only just learning the names of the new gods and still mixed them up sometimes. “The spell to regrow fingers is only second level. You’ll be back to being a two-handed asshole by dinner if you’re not totally incompetent.” 

“How can I cast a spell?!” howled the wizard “You’ve cut the fingers off my wand hand!”

“Not my problem,” answered the fairy, “Also I’ll be keeping the wand… and the fingers for that matter.” 

“You’re keeping my fingers?!” cried the wizard

“Of course,” said the fairy “Wizard fingers are a very valuable potion ingredient. I can probably get at least seven silver for them at the market. Also, I think I’ve earned them.” 

The wizard knew it was better not to protest anymore. He went to scoop up the net with his other hand, but the bear growled again and the fairy shot him a look that said, “Are you that thick?”. He backed away and then half ran, half stumbled back the way he had come. 

“The nerve of some people,” said the bear, coming over and sitting by the fairy. 

“I know, right?” said the fairy “As if you can’t just buy fairy dust. He’s not only a kidnapper, but people like him are ruining our economy.”

“So true.” said the bear “… um, are you really going to use his fingers to make a potion?”

“Oh no, I was just fucking with him.” said the fairy “You can have them.”

“Thanks,” said the bear as it bent down and started gobbling up the fingers. “I’m glad we’re friends”

“Me too, buddy,” said the fairy, “Me too.”


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