Most people think wizards can fly around whenever that want, but it’s actually a super hard spell and most wizards die before they are high enough level to even think about learning it. Mostly they get around it by turning themselves into bats and pigeons and stuff, but if you really want to impress another wizard you have to fly as yourself. This is pretty much considered to be the coolest thing you can do, especially if can you manage to keep your hat on the whole time. If you pull that off other wizards will give you free potions and let you borrow their wands any time you want (this is considered a HUGE deal in the magic world).
The first wizard to ever fly was named Garthanox. Everyone thought he was lame because he sucked so much at magic. Like he couldn’t even do the spell that makes it sound like someone dropped a glass in the other room, which is like pretty much the first spell wizards teach their babies when they’re like one year old.
Basically the only spell that he could do okay was “Smoosh”, which is spell where you can smoosh small fruits like grapes and blueberries if you want to make a glass of juice and you’re in a hurry or whatever. Everyone agreed the Garthanox was okay at smoosh. To be honest it was the only reason that let him hang out or even call himself a wizard.
One night there was a big wizard party and everyone was showing off their best magic. One wizard did a spell where he walked up the wall and onto the ceiling and drank a cup of tea upside down. Another guy did a thing we made a dog do a hip-hop style dance even though this was during wizard times and hip hop wouldn’t be invented for like 5,000 years.
No one even asked Garthanox to do a trick. They made him stay in the kitchen and smoosh grapes and berries for wine (Garthanox didn’t do the part where he turned the smooshed fruit into actual wine, that was done by a mid level wizard named Jesus).
Eventually all the wizards got real drunk and started taking shots at Garthanox. “Hey Garthanox” said one wizard “If I ever have to fight a hill giant I’ll make sure to ask for your help… if he’s made out of fruit!”
“Hey Garthanox” said another “I heard one time you tried to cast fireball and instead a fart came out!”
“Hey Garthanox” said this especially mean wizard named Carfax, “any truth to the rumor that your hat only stays up because you put a stick in it?”
Now what you might not know is that wizard’s pointy hats only stay up because they radiate a little magic out of the top of their heads at all times. Even when they’re asleep or using the toilet. If you ever see someone who claims to be a wizard but their hat is floppy you can go ahead and kick them in the nuts because what they really are is a liar and they won’t be able to cast shit on you.
Basically what Carfax had just done was say that Garthanox wasn’t even a real wizard which was NOT COOL and everyone knew he had gone TOO FAR. Garthanox knew that even though Carfax was a huge jerk there was nothing he could do because Carfax was like level 7 and he (Garthanox) didn’t even know Phantom Smack, which is a spell where a ghost hand shoots out and slaps someone in the face.
So instead he just keep smooshing fruit. He smooshed it harder and harder and harder, until finally someone was like “WHOA! What the hell?!”
Everyone at the party had stopped talking and gotten totally and completely silent. Garthanox looked down and tried to figure out why nobody was talking. That’s right I said “looked down”. That’s because he was floating in the air like a goddamn bird. He had smooshed down on the fruit so hard he had smooshed himself right into the air! “Uh-oh” said all the other wizards at once, which was a good guess.
Garhanox figured out that by “smooshing” off the walls he could make himself fly left and right. He started smoosh flying all over the house and even smooshed more fruit which went all over the other wizard’s robes.
Finally he smoosh-flew down and got like half an inch from Carfax’s face. “Hey Carfax,” he said “What was that you said about my hat?”
Everyone gasped really big because they knew some crazy shit was about to go down.
“Nah-nah-nah-nothing” said Carfax as he nearly peed himself.
“That’s what I thought idiot, oh by the way, guess what, I also learned fireball the other day too, wanna see?”
“No!” cried Carfax
“Too bad!” said Gathanox
Suddenly he did a super cool flip in the air, put his butt right in Carfax’s face and farted the biggest loudest fart anyone had ever heard.
“Oops!” he said “I guess you guys were right!”
Every laughed like it was the funniest thing that had ever happened because it basically was.
Art by Miranda Britton
Stories About Wizards 