Return to Murder Castle

Despite what you may think, wizards don’t just go around killing people all the time. Sometimes they do on accident when they’re trying out new spells and stuff (and honestly don’t lose a lot of sleep over it) but they usually don’t kill people on purpose unless someone pisses them off or they think it’s going to be really really funny. Like if you were on vacation with your family and wanted to take a picture next to some huge rock, but then there was a giant gust of wind and the rock started to fall over, a wizard might stop it, but then when you said “Shew! That was a close one! Thank you so much!” and crawled out from under the rock, he might say “Oh no problem. Hey I think you left your wallet under there.” and then when you crawled back under the rock he would let it go, and it would kick up a ton of dust and debris, and then after a few seconds a leaf would slowly float down into his outstretched palm and he would say “Oh wait, it was just this leaf.” and even your family, you had just watched you get smashed to death, would probably chuckle a little bit.

But there was this one wizard who was super murdery. His name was Megramel and he built a whole castle just so he could get away on the weekends and murder people in peace.

Here are some ways Megramel would murder people.

  • Put a reverse leech on them that filled them up with blood until they exploded.
  • Turn them into ice cubes and let them melt on the sidewalk, but not even on a hot day so it would be quick, like in mid-October when it was jacket weather. Sometimes a guy would even come along and slip on the person-cube. This would make Megramel laugh really hard, and once he even killed the guy who slipped just because it put him in such a good mood.
  • Ask them to pet this really scary big dog he had. He would spend hours convincing them it was okay and the dog didn’t bite, then when they would finally, tentatively reach out a shaky hand towards the dog’s face he would wang them in the back of the head with a claw hammer.
reverse leeches
Art by DJ Dangler

Even though all the wizards agreed Magramel was super hilarious at killing people they knew he had to be stopped. The problem was that he was like level a billion or something and would be nearly impossible to kill. They had a big wizard meeting and decided they would have to trick him. What they did was bake a cake that said “Congratulations Magramel on all the great killing!” and then they sent him a message inviting him to a party at the king’s house.

On the night of the party Magramel showed up in his fanciest robes and all the wizards were extra nice to him. They asked stuff like “How’s the murder going?” and said things like “That leech trick is really funny!” Finally after a few hours they brought out the cake and asked him to cut the first piece for himself. Magramel went to cut out the slice with his name on it but the second the knife hit the icing a red glow started coming out of the cake. That’s because it was really a portal to hell! Before he could run away a bunch of demons grabbed him and dragged him down into a fiery pit while he screamed “I thought you guys were my frieeeeeeeeeeends!”

The wizards decided to hide the cake in the deepest dungeon of the murder castle, and they even put a sign outside that said “Stay out of here unless you like dying”. Then everything was okay and there were no more problems.

THE END.

Yeah right. Of course after a few centuries kids started hanging around the castle and daring each other to go inside. One day after school this kid named Amy B. said she would do it if everyone gave her a dollar. All the kids dug around in their pockets until they came up with the money. Even the kid who was on free lunch chipped in. Amy knew she had no choice then, so she walked up to the old rusty castle gate and climbed over it. As soon as her feet the hit floor a cold tingle shot up her body like you get when you sit on a lawn sprinkler. Her eyes glazed over and she started walking with her arms out in front of her kind of like a zombie. Every time she came to stairs she would walk down them until she was in a room that was probably almost five miles underground. There on a table sat a delicious looking cake. Because she was possessed, and also hungry from walking down all the stairs, she started chowing down on the cake without even a fork or plate. After she’d eaten almost half of it she started feeling a burning feeling in her stomach. Suddenly flames shot out of her eyes and mouth and she laughed a really loud evil laugh that made it sound like she was about to get up to some seriously fucked up shit.

“I’m the spirit of the bad wizard Megramel!” said a voice in her head “I hope you like murder because you’re about to do a lot of it.”

“That’s cool with me.” said Amy.

It turned out that Amy B. was a total psycho killer deep down and she just never murdered anyone before because she didn’t want to get in trouble with her mom and dad.

“Oh hell yeah.” thought Megramel

After that day Amy/Megramel would murder anyone who came to the castle or even looked at it funny from across the street. They didn’t go out much because Megarmel knew he got busted last time by overdoing it, and Amy was still worried about getting in trouble with her parents. They would order takeout and never had to worry about paying for it because they would just murder whoever delivered it. Once or twice the cops showed up but I’ll let you guess what happened to them. As far as anyone knows they’re still there hanging out, but honestly who’s going to check?

THE REAL END.

Screen Shot 2018-02-06 at 11.28.52 AM
Fingers crossed!
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2 thoughts on “Return to Murder Castle

  1. OMG! The New Yorker!

    Liked by 1 person

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