Once there were these two wizards named Grendelferd and Winkelmyer who lived in a beat up old wizard shack way out in the woods. This one night they got bored and decided it would be fun to get drunk and make a potion using all the leftover ingredients they had laying around the house.
“I think I have some old werewolf balls.” said Grendelferd
“I’ll get that flower we found growing in unicorn dung!” shout Winkelmyer
They started getting really excited and running around the shack throwing things in the caldron willy-nilly. Here’s a partial list of everything that went into the potion.
- Willy Nilly, their cat, who luckily climbed right back out
- A dwarf shoe
- Paint from a haunted house
- A whale tear
- A crushed diamond
- An old TV Guide they’d been meaning to read
- Hair from a goat’s balls
- Pus from a giant zit
- Pus from a giant’s zit
- Pus from a giant’s giant zit
- Pus from a medium sized giant’s zit
- Pus from a really big giant’s medium sized zit
- Hair from a giant’s balls
- Two eggs
- Rust from a king’s sword
- 12 elf hats
- A bottled dragon fart
- Melted ice cream
- A lizard so small they had to pick it up with tweezers
- A puppy’s first dream
- An ancient rock
- A new rock
- An adult contemporary rock
- A duck they tricked into going into the caldron
- A pillow the queen had farted on
- Paprika
- Sage
- A mouse
- A sage mouse
- Water from the bottom of the ocean
- Catnip
- A cat’s nip
- Skeletor’s favorite hat
- A jersey signed by every member of the 526 BC witches softball team
- A pair of sunglasses the fell in by accident when Grendelferd was leaning over to add the mouse
- A spider’s tiny suitcase
- A cockroaches carry on
- A water bug’s shoulder bag
- A giant’s used toilet paper
- A moose’s laugh from when he saw his reflection for the first time
- An expired box of au gratin potato mix they kept calling “ol’ rotten potato mix”
- Steamed dog’s breath
- Twice steamed dog’s breath
- 1 ½ times steamed dog’s breath
- Some marijuana
- A bath bomb
- A real bomb
- A broken violin
- A broken fiddle
- An incomplete concept of supply side economics
- Some unspecified ball hair
- The brain from a cannibal zombie that only ate other zombie brains
- A pack of old cigarettes
- A magic fruit that changed from a grape to an orange whenever you weren’t looking at it
- A ball of string
- The rest of the mead they were drinking
- A bee who was taking a nap
After they got everything in they were too exhausted to think of any magic words, so they just said the alphabet backwards a few times and stirred the caldron with a big spoon. After they stirred it a couple times it started to shake and pulse until suddenly it just disappeared into another dimension. The two wizards stood across from each totally stunned not knowing what to say. After almost ten minutes of complete silence Winkelmyer started to chuckle, then Grendelferd started to laugh, pretty soon they were both rolling on the floor howling with laughter. After a long time they both wiped tears from their eyes and looked at each other from across the empty floor.
“I love you Winkelmyer” said Grendelferd
“I… I love you too” said Winkelmyer
That’s when they found out that what they had really brewed was friendship, which was the most magical potion of all.
PS: Everyone in the other dimension died instantly when the potion showed up, but no one ever found out about that.
Stories About Wizards 