The First Spell

This is probably going to blow your mind, but there was once a time so ancient there weren’t even any wizards around yet. Back then people spent most of the day smashing each other with rocks and having sex with animals because they were so dumb and didn’t know any better. Really the only kind of cool thing you could be at the time was a warrior, which was just a person who was better at smashing people with rocks than most other people.

Things probably would have gone on like that for infinity, but there was this one guy named Dorox who was actually pretty smart. He was the first one to figure out that if you tied a rock to a stick you could really wang the heck out of someone. Needless to say, people were impressed. “Dorox knows good magic!” they said. Of course it wasn’t really magic, that’s just what they called everything they didn’t understand, like the sun, or the way a few hours after they ate, poop came out.

Dorox knew his rockstick wasn’t magic, but all the talk got him thinking about what it would be like if he could figure out how to do real magic for real. Since he was a determined type of guy, and there was really nothing better to do, he decided he would create the first spell.

He decided to start with a potion type spell since that seemed the easiest. He went and got some glowing mushrooms off the top of a mountain, and some shiny rocks from the deepest part of this cave he knew. He gathered a bunch of herbs and spices from the valley floor, and plucked a few hairs from this cave dog that was always hanging around.

“I guess that’ll do it,” said Dorox as he threw all of the ingredients into a little pot he had and started up his cooking fire. He didn’t know of any magic words so he just said his name and the names of some of his friends.
Er!” he shouted.

Then he stirred the pot a few times and whacked it on the side with the stirring stick.


Suddenly there was this multicolored cloud of smoke and out of the middle of it flew a tiny little green bird.

“Holy fucking crap!” said Dorox, who also inadvertently invented cussing. Even if he hadn’t just seen the bird come out of the pot, he would have known it was magic because it was all shimmery and translucent, and also it could talk.

“Hello, Dorox,” it said. “Thanks for making me!”

“Oh, um, yeah,” said Dorox. “No problem.”

After that Dorox spent all his time creating new spells. In addition to “Green Bird” he also created “Illusion Wall”, “Smoosh” and “Magic Missile” (although at first the missile was just a rock because nobody had invented arrows yet).

As you probably guessed, people freaked out that Dorox could do actual real magic. “When Dorox wishes something it comes true!” they would say, “He’s an amazing wisher!” Of course since most of them had the majority of their teeth smashed out with rocks it came out “wishard” which eventually turned into “wizard”, so that solves that question too if you were wondering about it.

Art by Miranda Britton

Epilogue: “Green Bird” is now a really common spell that most wizards know. It’s not super useful but people learn it out of respect for history. The weird thing is that the bird usually only lasts for a few minutes and then winks back out of existence, except for the original green bird made by Dorox. For whatever reason that particular bird came out immortal, so if you’re ever out walking along and you see a tiny, shimmery, translucent, green bird fly by it might just be the oldest living thing in world, so try and show some respect.


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