The Big Tournament

Septagorg gripped his staff with shaking sweaty hands. Had he memorized enough spells? Were his robes flowy enough? Was it crazy to go with a staff instead of a wand? It was certainly a bold move. Yes, he decided, it was a the right call. Bold was good. If there was ever a time to be be bold it was it was now, at the regional finals of the Best Wizard in the Whole World tournament.  

The BWWW was an annual tradition that dated back over 5,000 years. It started because Wizards were always getting in arguments about who was the best at magic. They usually didn’t go so far as killing each other, but people were always getting turned into slugs and given hundred year hiccups and stuff, and after awhile everyone got sick of dealing with it. So one day they had a big wizard meeting and decided that the best thing they could do is have a big contest once a year, and every Tormed, Dixanthrope, and Harmarath who had something to prove could meet up in the big stadium and blast each other until only one guy was left standing. It was also good because they could sell tickets and raise money to help all the peasants that Wizards were always fucking over when their spells got out of control (which was like pretty much 100% of the time.)

For the last five years the tournament had been dominated by this Wizard named Porforcorus who had this one super powerful spell that made anyone close to him barf up a bunch of spiders. Not only was it super disconcerting and weird, but it also made it really difficult to say magic words when you were blowing a bunch of hairy arachnids out of your mouth hole.

People tried all sorts of stuff to defeat the spell. One guy tried casting a spell that made Porforcurus forget how to cast his spell, but he was too slow and Porforcurus got him first. Another dude tried to come up with spell where the magic words sounded like throwing up spiders, but that idea was dumb as hell and didn’t work. One guy even cast a spell on himself so that he loved the taste of spiders, thinking that way he would just swallow all the spiders super quick and be able to cast his spells between mouthfuls. That didn’t work either though, and in fact the only thing that happened was that the guy’s belly filled up with spiders and he exploded and rained guts and spider parts down all over the crowd. That was the only year the tournament was ever canceled, on account of everyone being too grossed out to continue.

Septagorg was super nervous because he knew that Proforcorus was in his regional finals, and not only did he really hate the taste of spiders, he also didn’t want to let his friends and family down. He did have one desperate plan though, and even though it was really disgusting, he knew it had a 50/50 chance of actually working.

As he stepped out into the arena he saw Proforcours enter from the other end with a look on his face that seemed to say “Oh ya’ll about to barf up some spiders for real!” All the wizards were staying as far away from him as possible but it wasn’t doing them much good.

“Here goes nothing.” thought Septagorg. He closed his eyes, made a secret wish in his heart, and cast Abilify on himself. Now any spell that was cast on him would be 100 times stronger.   

“This might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever done” he thought, running full speed toward Proforcours.

“This idiot is sure in a hurry to get it over with,” thought Proforcours, “Oh well, fine by m–”

But he didn’t get to finish that thought because he was suddenly hit in the face by something like a million spiders traveling at a thousand miles an hour. That first blast nearly took his head off, and just like that, the number one contender was out of the game. Septagorg kept projectile vomiting spiders all over the other contestants who were now running for their very lives in complete and total panic. Some of them tried hiding behind wooden barriers, but the spider spray was too powerful and shredded everything in its path like a firehose filled with knives instead of water. One wizard tried grabbing a peasant baby and using it as a shield but it pretty much just disintegrated in half a second (sorry you had to read that, but it’s what happened, and you can’t live your life hiding from the truth).

By the time the spell wore off any of the wizards who could still move were waist deep in broken spiders and the blood of their fellow contestants. Everyone in the kingdom agreed it was definitely the most upsetting thing that ever happened, but they also had no choice but to name Septagorg the winner.

At state finals he won by default because nobody would even step in the arena with him, then at nationals he lost to some guy who was really good at lighting bolt.

Art by Miranda Britton

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