The Coolest Wizard

Wizards are kind of cool I guess, if you’re into stuff like having amazing powers, vast knowledge of universal mysteries, and sweet ass sexy beards.

Just kidding, obviously wizards are more than “kind of” cool. They’re absolutely the greatest beings ever created by god… just kidding again, god was actually created by them, but that’s a story for another time. This is a story about the COOLEST wizard of them all. I hope your puny regular person brain can handle it because here we go.

Every wizard secretly wanted to be Moramax. Sometimes they weren’t even all that secretive about it. “Fuck I wish I was as cool as Moramax,” some of them would say whenever he rode by on his skateboard. “Moramax must have some pretty sweet magic to land all those amazing kickflips and ollies,” someone would always say. “I heard he defeated a dragon once without even using any spells,” another dude would add. “I heard he can dunk,” a third wizard would say.

One day Moramax was out on the street with his band jamming out on saxophone when some wizards came by and starting watching/listening to the songs. Oh guess what, the songs were awesome and everyone started dancing it up like crazy. After his third or fourth solo Moramax took a break to drink some of his alcohol. “Oh hey guys, what’s up?” he said when he saw the other wizards.

“Oh not much…” they all said shuffling their feet.

“Hey,” said one wizard who decided to try and be brave, “That was some hot sax playing. Do you think you could teach me that spell later if I gave you some potions or something?”

“It’s not a spell,” said Moramax, “I just kind of feel the music you know? To be honest I don’t actually know much magic. I’m still only level one. The only spell I really know is one that keeps you from coughing when you smoke drugs, but I don’t have to use it anymore because I’ve smoked so many that it’s no big deal anymore. Anyway stop by my house later and I’ll show you some licks to get you started. If I don’t answer the door it’s because I’m in the basement kissing with my girlfriend, so just come on in.”

Then he put on his sunglasses, hopped on his board, grinded a rail on his way down the hill, and launched into the Pink Panther theme.

Goddamn that guy was cool.

Art by Miranda Britton

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