The Chronicles of Baby Wizard: Baby Wizard meets The Face Smasher part I

It had been nearly two weeks since Baby Wizard had left his home and wandered out into the wilderness to find his adorable little destiny. He had spent the first few days just chillaxing and getting to know himself. Once he got to know himself pretty good, he decided he was fucking rad as hell and could keep going. On the fifth day he got real thirsty, because although he’d learned a bunch of spells to make food, he forgot to learn any on making water, which oh yeah, haha, is what some people call peeing, but you know what? If you think a baby dehydrating in the woods is a good time to make number one jokes, then I guess you’re kind of a sick person.

Anyway he finally decided to cast Rain which is a spell that:

  1. Wizards don’t like to cast that much because then the animals get all wet and angry about it.
  2. Actually no, it’s not the same as making water, because the water is already in clouds, and you’re just making it come down to the ground, so shut up.

After he drank a bunch of rain water and filled up his thermos with it, Baby Wizard turned off the Rain spell and started on his way. That’s when this really angry bear came out of nowhere (because it was mad about being wet which I said might happen) and started running full steam at him. Now of course Baby Wizard was super powerful and everything, and he could have just cast Fireball or BearExplode, but he was also a good guy so he didn’t want to hurt one of god’s creatures. Instead he cast Animal Talk on himself and said “SorrySorrySorry!” which to me and you would have just sounded like a bunch of grunts and farts.*

*Farts are actually a really important part of bear speech. They can mean everything from, “Hello, nice to see you again,” to “I will bite your arm off if you give me that look one more time,” depending on their length and tone. In fact that’s one of the reasons bears are such solitary creatures. They don’t like to save up their farts all the time for long conversations. Many a bear has lost a debate because, even though he had better ideas, he just ran out of fart gas and couldn’t properly articulate them. This leaves bears with the difficult choice of being bloated and gassy all the time or living alone in a cave, which is a hard situation to be in and explains why they’re grumpy a lot.

The bear took pity on Baby Wizard and also appreciated that he used up so many of his precious farts. He decided not to sink his fangs into BW’s soft soft skull, even though it would have been like the super easiest thing in the world to do.

“Okay,” said the bear, “I guess I won’t eat you then. I’ll even let you ride on my back to the nearby town. Also you’re pretty cute and remind me of myself as a cub.” Baby Wizard doubted that was true, unless the baby bear had been hairless and wearing a diaper and a wizard hat. That thought made him chuckle a little bit, but then the bear shot him a look, so he knocked it the fuck off.  

Baby Wizard climbed up on the bear’s back, which was all wet and smelly, but he really only had himself to blame for that. Anyway he curled up and took a nap, and when he woke up they were in the town. The bear leaned over, and Baby Wizard crawled down and gave him a pat on the nose. The bear nodded but didn’t say anything, and you can probably guess why. He turned around and sauntered back into the forest leaving Baby Wizard all alone in the town square.

It was getting pretty late at that point, and he thought he might ask one of the villagers if he could stay at their house in exchange for casting some simple house spells like Dish Wash or Sexier Husband. He knocked on the door of the first house that looked cheery and hoped for the best. Suddenly the door burst open. A woman looked down, saw Baby Wizard, and without saying a word, grabbed him, brought him inside, and bolted the door behind them.

“Agnes!” shouted a man standing by the stove, “Why did you open the door?! Don’t you know it’s 11:59!”

“I know my husband!” said the good lady wife, “But that sounded like a baby knocking and sure enough it was! Did you want the little tike to get his face smashed in?”

“A baby?!” said the husband, “What would a baby be doing out this late? Especially all by himself on Face Smashing Night?”

“Excuse me,” said Baby Wizard, startling the shit out of everyone, “But what exactly is going on?”

“Well, Well, Well!” said Agnes, “He talks just like a proper gentleman don’t he? Well young man, suppose first you tell us what a young babe like yourself was doing running around all alone with The Face Smasher about?”

“The Face Smasher?” asked Baby Wizard, “Who exactly is that? And will you kindly set me down?”

“Never heard of The Face Smasher eh?” said Agnes setting Baby Wizard down on the table, “You must not be from around here I reckon. Well my ducks, The Face Smasher is a giant horrible man. Some people says he’s part ogre and others says he’s part devil, but I can tell you this, he’s all mean and evil inside. He’s got two giant iron gauntlets, and every full moon at midnight he goes around punching in any face he sees on account of him being so ugly and he gets jealous. Surely a mug as cute as yours he’d punch right in as soon as he’d laid eyes on ya.” And with that she gave Baby Wizard’s chin a little wiggle.

“I’m sure he’s quite horrible indeed,” said Baby Wizard, pulling his face away, “But why don’t you just hire a Wizard to get rid of him?”

The couple stared at him completely confused. “Hire a what now?” said Agnes.

“What’s a wish-turd?” asked the husband.

Baby Wizard couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He’d come across a village that somehow had never heard of wizards before. Just as he was about to explain things and totally blow their minds, there was a pounding on the door. A pounding that sounded like two iron gauntlents that would rather be smashing a face.

“Oh-oh!” screamed the husband, “He couldn’t find anyone to smash in town, and now he’s busting down doors. Oh-oh-oh! My poor face!”

“Stand back!” commanded Baby Wizard, jumping down from the table, “Shit’s about to get lit.”

Just then the door burst into splinters and the husband screamed even louder and more annoyingly than before. Baby Wizard was about to let loose with a volley of bomb ass crazy spells but he stopped himself at the last second. He looked closer at The Face Smasher and couldn’t believe his eyes.

“Da… Dad?” he said.

To be continued…

Art by Jodi Pope Johnson


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