Previously on The Chronicles of Baby Wizard:
BW rained all over a bear, but totally smoothed things over with some quick fart talk. He rode the bear into town and tried to find a place to sleep and maybe get some pie.This lady named Agnes and her pussy-ass husband took him inside and warned him about a bad guy named The Face Smasher who, surprise surprise, showed up. But what IS surprising for real is that it’s Baby Wizard’s dad! What the hell!?! Let’s see what happens!
“I’ll smash all your dumb faces!” shouted The Face Smasher, as he brought his huge iron gauntlets down on the table where Baby Wizard was sitting. The table got smashed up to holy heck but BW cast a simple levitation spell and floated up in the air, where he was like, “Yup, he’s seven feet tall and hairy now, but that’s for sure my dad. I bet an evil wizard put a spell on him. I have to find a way to defeat him without hurting him too bad or destroying those gauntlets, which are dope and I’d like to keep if I can.”
“RAWG!” yelled The Face Smasher Dad, as he turned his anger on the couple huddled in the corner. Baby Wizard floated them up in the air too, but he kind of forgot that The Face Smasher was seven feet tall and the ceiling of the hut was only like seven and a half feet, so he just reached out as the husband was floating by and punched his face in so hard that his brain came out the back of his head and went right through the thatched roof. Honestly, it looked pretty cool, and although he felt bad about the guy’s face, Baby Wizard also decided he for sure should try to keep those gauntlets.
Agnes was about to get her face punched next, and her brains would most likely come out too. Baby Wizard knew it would probably look cool again, but the lady had been nice to him, plus it probably wouldn’t look as cool the second time. (As a wizard he had a really high wisdom score which is what allowed him to figure that out.)
Not wanting to hurt his dad, Baby Wizard cast BugDance, which is a spell that makes all the bugs in a house come together and do a super intricate dance with really good choreography, and props, and everything. It’s pretty much the most distracting thing ever, and wizards use it all the time when they want to steal a king’s jewels or something like that. Even The Face Smasher, who was 99% blind rage, couldn’t help but stop and watch.
This bought Beedubs a few precious moments to figure out what to do next. He tried casting Sleep on his dad, but nothing happened. Next he tried Shrink, to make him real small so that he could only bruise your cheek or whatever. That didn’t work either though. It seemed like no magic could be cast directly on The Face Smasher, which sucked and was going to make things like a trillion times harder. Baby Wizard knew he had to think of something quick though, because the bugs were starting to form a pyramid, which he knew from experience was their big finale.
Just as he was about to give up and cast Fireball (I mean, even if it’s your dad, you can’t just let someone go around murdering people with face punches), his friend the bear burst through the window, which seemed sort of unnecessary, since the door was open, and started fighting The Face Smasher.
[Incidentally this scattered all the bugs before they could finish the pyramid, and they were super disappointed. See, the way the spell works is that it makes the bugs believe they’ve been training all semester for one big performance that they have to do in front of the whole school. Each individual bug thinks that the cutest boy/girl in school will fall in love with them if they nail it, so they really put maximum effort into each rehearsal. Then the night before the big show, they find out that the bug they loved is a jerk who’s like homophobic and doesn’t tip servers and stuff. That’s when they realize that what they truly love is dance, and they’re going to do it for themselves and the team. Then they dance with a freedom and joy they’ve never felt. Anyway, because the spell got interrupted, all the bugs just kept believing this (and in themselves) and stayed together and started performing all over the world until two years later when they got stepped on by accident.]
The bear and The Face Smasher started rolling across the floor biting and kicking each other. Because a bear’s best move is hugging, The Face Smasher couldn’t punch him. He was still super strong though, so it was pretty much a stalemate. This gave Baby Wizard an idea.
He floated himself down to the ground and started hugging his dad too. Then floated Agnes down and gave her a look that said, “Follow my lead if you like having a face.” Even the bugs, who were in an emotionally vulnerable place, joined in. If you’ve ever been really upset and had a group of people hug you, you know what a strong kind of magic that is, especially if one of the people is your own baby who loves you a bunch.
The Face Smasher started crying softly as he gave in to the hug. The iron gauntlets fell off his hands and rolled under the couch. (Baby Wizard made a mental note of where they landed.) He started to shrink down and the hair grew back into his body.
“Oh Baby Wizard!” said the dad, when he was back to normal, “I missed you so much that I had to come find you, but then I met an evil wizard in the woods who put a spell on me that turned me into a face smashing monster with iron gauntlets!”
“Oh you don’t say?” said Baby Wizard, winking at everyone.
“For real!” said the dad, totally not getting it, “Don’t put those gauntlets on. They’re full of evil!”
But Baby Wizard knew he could handle it. He went over to the couch to get the gauntlets, but they were gone. “What the what?” he said. Everyone looked around, and there in the corner stood the bear standing on his hind legs and wearing the gauntlets. Maybe because the magic was gone, or maybe because it didn’t work on bears, but the gauntlets totally didn’t change him at all. In the end, everyone agreed he should just keep them. Mainly because it seemed fair since he saved the day, but also because he looked badass as all fuck.