Luciona was an ocean wizard. She lived at the top of a lighthouse and was somewhat famous for creating a spell to make crabs taste more delicious. “Hey wait,” you’re probably thinking, “crabs are already pretty fucking delicious.”
Yeah. They are… now.
Of course, she also knew lots of other spells. She knew a bunch of spells for dealing with the winds and even more for the tides. She had a spell to make drunken sailors stop singing that stupid song about drunken sailors, and even a special spell to make the lighthouse light change colors on the Fourth of July. In general, she was pretty great at magic, but you know what they say, “Lucky at wizardry, unlucky at sex stuff.”
Being in charge of a lighthouse was lonely work. Occasionally, she would cast a spell to make the seagulls talk, but all they ever did was ask for chips, and that got boring real fast. Obviously, she could have done something like cast a spell to make a passing pirate fall in love with her, but not only were they all super smelly and murdery, she didn’t feel like it would really count if she used magic.
Then one day, the craziest thing happened. She was out checking her crab traps, when this huge wave popped up and knocked her under the water. Once she was under there, this really mean eel grabbed her and started pulling her out to sea as a joke. By the time she regained her senses enough to cast Shrink on the eel, they were like a mile out in the ocean, and she didn’t even know which direction was home.
She was about to pick a direction at random and hope for the best, when she felt a poke on her shoulder. She turned about, and there was the most beautiful face she’d ever seen (although to be fair, she mainly saw drunken sailors and pirates). It was a woman with long flowing green hair and eyes the exact same color as the ocean.
“Hello,” said the beautiful face. “You look lost. Do you need some help?”
“Oh shit!” said Luciona, “You’re a mermaid! I’ve heard about you guys! I thought you were all about luring sailors to their death and stuff. Why are you offering to help me?”
The mermaid sighed, “That’s just a stereotype. Those dumb sailors are always catcalling me, and when I try to swim off, they chase me until they get lost. I used to try and help them get back to shore, but they would always say stuff like, ‘I don’t know, something about this smells fishy!’ so I just gave up and let them drown.”
“Oh sorry,” said Luciona. “That actually makes a lot more sense. Anyway, yeah I could use some help. I’m trying to get back to my lighthouse, but I’m all turned around.”
“Oh that place!” said the mermaid getting all excited, “Yeah I actually go there a lot. I don’t know why, but for some reason the crabs around there taste amaaaaaazing! Anyway, grab on, I’ll take you back.”
Luciona wasn’t sure what part of the mermaid to grab on to, but she knew probably not the shells. Finally, she decided the waist would be be okay. As soon as she wrapped her hands around her, the mermaid took off like a shot, and they were skimming through the water at breakneck speed.
They talked the whole way back, and Luciona found out the mermaid’s name was Jacova. She had two younger brothers, and her best friend was a whale who wanted to be a rapper, but all his songs were too slow for people to dance to. By the time they got to the lighthouse, they were good friends and maybe something more.
“Well,” said Jocova, as Luciona let go of her waist, “It’s late, and I should probably be getting home. Nice saving you!”
“Wait!” yelled Luciona as she ran up to the lighthouse, “I’ll be right back!”
Jocova waited, splashing around in the water and, truth be told, stealing a couple of crabs out of the traps, until she saw Luciona running back down the beach with something in her hand.
“Here, I wanted you to have this for like a payment, you know, for helping me out and stuff. It’s a pearl I found last summer. I mean, I don’t really need it, you know, and I thought it was pretty… like you. I mean, it’s not as pretty AS you, but you and it are both pretty, so you’re the same in that way.”
You’re probably not a mermaid, and you wouldn’t know this, but if you live in the ocean, finding a pearl is kind of like finding a nickel on the sidewalk. It’s not like it happens every day, but if you’re in a hurry, you probably aren’t going to bother to pick it up. Still, Jocova thought it was sweet, and that night she slept with it by her bed and thought about the dorky, but cute, wizard who gave it to her.
After that, she started coming to the lighthouse a couple times a week to chat, and soon almost every day. She told Luciona about this giant squid she knew who told everyone he was the Kraken, even though his real name was Kevin, and the actual Kraken had just found out about it and was SUPER pissed, and everyone in the ocean was on pins and needles waiting to see what would happen. Luciona taught her a spell that would make sailors do a can-can dance like sexy french ladies, and Jocova cast it so much that it got back to the king, and he called a big meeting with all the naval officers to try to figure out what was going on. They never did though.
One day, when Jocova came to the lighthouse to visit, she saw Luciona running down from the beach more excited than ever.
“JocovaJocovaJocova!” she yelled, “I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a long time, but I wasn’t sure I should because we could never really be together, but the truth is I love you, and I’m telling you today because I figured out a spell to make it so you can breath on land and come live in the lighthouse with me! I hope you love me too, but it’s okay if you don’t, but not really because I think my heart will break, not that it will be your fault, but I’m just saying it for sure will.”
“Oh my god Luciona I love you too!” said Jocova, brimming over with happiness, “But why don’t you just make spell so you can breath underwater? I mean, there’s a lot more room in the ocean than on the land.”
They stood there staring at each other for a long time as the sun set, trying to figure out what to do or even to say. Both of them really liked their places, but they both really wanted to live together.
“Maybe you could live underwater with me three nights a week?” suggested Jocova.
“I have to watch the lighthouse every night to make sure the boats don’t get smashed,” said Luciona. “Maybe you could live in the lighthouse three nights a week?”
“I just started teaching underwater aerobics five nights a week,” said Jocova. “That’s what I was coming to tell you.”
“Shit,” they both said at once. Then after a few minutes, they added, “Fuck.”
Jocova was so bummed that she started to swim off. She was trying to think of where she could find some pirates to fuck with and make herself feel better, when she heard Luciona yell.
“What about birds!”
“What about them?” Jocova shouted back.
“I could make us both birds!” shouted Luciona. “I mean it’s not ideal, and I love my job, but I think I love you more, and maybe if we both gave up our careers we could just fly around all day, and the air could be our new home.”
“Keep talking,” said Jocova, swimming back.
Sure, a lot of boats got smashed after that, and a lot of dolphins had to find a new way to get their summer bods, but it’s a small price to pay for love if you ask me.