The New Guy

Everyone agreed the new guy wasn’t working out. After the last wizard got turned into a groundhog at an especially fun party, the king hired the cheapest guy he could find to take his place. The dude’s name was Javier, and boy did he suck at magic. The very first thing he did on his very first day was spill a bunch of mop water all over the king’s favorite hunting dog when he tried to levitate a bucket.

“I’m so sorry!” said Javier as he cast a drying spell that misfired and turned all the queen’s cranberries into craisins.

“Where’d they find this clown?” said a scullery maid in voice that sounded like a whisper, but she made sure was loud enough for everyone to hear.

“It’s cool,” said the queen taking pity on the poor sap, “I like craisins,” and even though she didn’t really like craisins, she put a big handful in her mouth and started chewing.

“Yummy!” she said with a pained expression on her face.

Javier tried really hard every day to suck less at magic, but everything he did seemed to backfire. When he cast Levitate, it accidently got reversed and pushed him down into the mud, and he had to stay there all afternoon until one of the knights came and pulled him out. His fireballs were only lukewarm, and when he tried to cast Dimension Door, it just opened into the next room.

“Oh, um that’s great,” said the queen when she saw it, “Now we have two ways to get to the foyer!” She really was a nice lady.

One day all of the knights decided to go into town and get their drink on. “Don’t worry,” they laughed, “If goblins attack the castle, we’re sure Javier will MOP them up without a problem… get it?!”

Everyone got it.

The thing is, a bunch of hairy goblins had been waiting all day for the knights to leave so they could attack the castle. The second the coast was clear, they started running at the gate, shooting arrows and yelling nasty cuss words.

Javier wanted to do something, but he was paralyzed with fear, self doubt, and a paralyzation spell he accidently cast on himself.

“Jesus Christ, what am I paying this guy for?” asked the king.

Just then, an arrow came through one of the those skinny little windows you seen in castles all the time and hit the queen right in her big toe.

“Ahhh, my favorite toe!” yelled the queen.

Suddenly Javier was flooded with the bravery of a thousand little toasters. He simultaneously broke the paralyzation spell and levitated the arrow out of the queen’s toe. After he cast heal on her foot, he rushed out to the courtyard and started casting these amazing shield spells he didn’t even remember he had, protecting children and horses all over the place.

After a few minutes of everyone being mega impressed, the goblin hoard bashed open the gate and screamed, “Give us all your gold and mutton, or we’re going to fuck this place up beyond recognition!”

But Javier wasn’t about to negotiate with terrorists. He floated way up in the air where he sparkled in the sun like beautiful diamond man. “WHY DON’T YOU DRY UP, YOU GROSS TURDS!” he yelled as he cast his drying spell. Everyone looked on in amazement as all 200 goblins shriveled up into a big pile of graisins.

“Holy shit!” said the king, “You’re getting a raise!”

When the knights came back, they were all really impressed and hoisted Javier up on their shoulders and made up a song that went:

He killed the nasty gobins!

Their families are a sobbins!

So we lift him up on top!

Sorry for the joke about the mop!

1-2-3-4 Hooray!

Knights are not really great at coming up with songs.

After that, everyone treated Javier with respect and let him park his horse in the best spot right by the drawbridge. It also turned out that, even though everyone else thought they were super disgusting, the queen really liked dried goblins, and she hardly ate anything but graisins for the next three weeks. That was a blessing in disguise because it made Javier stop wanting to kiss her, and they just became good friends.

Art by Miranda Bigler

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