Trapped in Heaven Part 1: The Beginning.

As you probably know, wizards are always making portals to Hell for fun and profit. Really, Hell is kind of like Disney World in that it can be fun to visit for a few days, but it sucks really bad if you have to live or work there. In fact, a lot of demons don’t even live in Hell proper anymore. Most of them commute from a nearby dimension called Whörforken, which is way cheaper and less on fire.

The point is that visiting Hell is not really braggable if you’re a wizard, and if you try and pull that shit at lunch or whatever, everyone is going to assume you’re like a level two who barely knows how to tie your robes.

Now Heaven, that’s a different story.

This one time, all these wizards were hanging out at an inn, and this guy named Chigrindo said he’d figured out a way to get into Heaven.

“Oh you mean like dying while helping an old lady move?” one guy said laughing.

“No, no!” said another. “He means like you turn yourself into a dog and then get hit by a cabbage cart!”

They were all laughing it up pretty hard, but then they saw that Chigrindo was being 100% serious, and then they were like, “Oh shiiiiiiiit! Tell us how please!”

“Well I was about to before you all decided to be dicks,” said Chigrindo.

Everyone apologized and bought Chigrindo an ale and a pastry, so he forgave them and said he’d tell them how to do it if they came by his house Saturday after dinner.

Saturday after dinner

All the wizards sat in a big circle in Chigrindo’s basement swaying side to side and chanting their asses off. It turned out that it took the magic of five wizards to open the Heaven portal. A couple of them thought about pointing out that Chigrindo wasn’t doing them any favors and actually needed their help, but they all really wanted to see Heaven, so they kept their mouths shut (except for the chanting I mean).

I won’t go into all the details about what they chanted and what candles they used because it’s a pretty easy spell, and you could probably get a few friends together and pull it off, and then Heaven would be full of dumbass tourists just lollygagging all over the place. Besides, once you finish this story, I doubt you’ll be all that interested anyway.

See, the way Heaven works is that all the gods live there, and if whatever one you’re into likes you back, then you get to go there when you die and live in their neighborhood. Of course, that’s if they remember to send someone to get you. Lots of times, they are busy and forget. Hell is actually full of people that are only there because whatever god they worshipped was distracted that day making volcanoes or helping people win the lottery or whatever.

Honestly, that’s why so many people worship the monkey god Kanahsas, who although very forgetful, is the least picky of the gods, and as long as you pray to her every couple of weeks, she’ll let you in if she remembers. Hence, the slogan of the Church of Kanahsas: “Monkey God Kanahsas. You’ve got a 50/50 shot!”

Anyway, when the wizards first got to Heaven, they ended up in this little neighborhood run by the vegetable god, Potatoeous. All of the buildings there looked like giant stalks of celery and shit,  and everyone got around by jogging, even though it was Heaven, and they totally didn’t need to. The wizards were standing around chuckling about this one store shaped like an eggplant when a guy jogged up to them and said, “Hail Potatoeous! You all must be new. Welcome to Heaven!”

“Oh yeah, hail Potatoeous,” said Chigrindo, trying to keep a straight face. “Nice neighborhood you got here.”

“Thanks!” said the jogger. “Oh by the way, have you met Potatoeous yet? He usually likes to meet the new guys as soon as they get here.”

Now at this point, the wizards had two choices. They could pretend they had already met Potatoeous and fake their way through the conversation, or they could say no and meet a god. I’ll give you one guess which one they picked.

Yeah, that’s right, they chose the second one. Duh.

Fifteen minutes later, they found themselves seated at a long table heaped high with green beans and artichoke dip and stuff, waiting for their host to come out.

“Does he always take this long getting ready?’’ Chigrindo asked the jogger, who was still hanging out for some reason.

“Well, he’s been having a bit of a tough time lately,” explained the jogger. “I mean, a few centuries ago, he lost tomatoes to the fruit god Appello, and just this week they’ve been fighting over cucumbers. Some ancient law about where the seeds are located. Anyway, I wouldn’t bring it up if I were you.”

Just then, Potatoeous swept into the room. To everyone’s surprise he was actually just a giant floating potato with a halo.

“Welcome to my kingdom, vegetable lovers!” he shouted. “Your eternity of bliss begins toda–” but then he stopped dead in his tracks. “Oh shit,” he said looking around the table. “Wizards. How the fuck did you guys get in here? You know you’re all in big trouble right?”

In all their excitement about getting into Heaven, the wizards had forgotten to throw on disguise spells or even take off their pointy hats. It’s also a well established fact that wizards and gods don’t get along super well, not only because of the whole competition over magical power thing, but also because they’re always arguing about who created who.

Normally one god (especially a weak ass vegetable god) wouldn’t stand a chance against five high level wizards, but the rules were different in Heaven, and the wizards knew they were totally boned. Before they could even grab their wands, they found themselves tangled up by a bunch of vines and sucked into giant peapods.

“You’ll be sorry you ever tried to invade the realm of the vegetable god!” shouted Potatoeous.

“Technically speaking, I think peapods are fruit,” said Chigrindo.  

Everyone agreed that was a pretty good burn, but it certainly wasn’t going to help them get out of their current situation.

To be continued…

potatoes
Art by Miranda Britton
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