PREVIOUSLY ON STORIES ABOUT WIZARDS:
This pretty cool wizard named Chigrindo got himself and some friends into Heaven using chanting and candles. It was kind of like a prayer circle only fun. Anyway, it worked, and they were having a pretty good time messing around in the vegetable neighborhood of heaven until Potatoeous, the god of vegetables, caught them and wrapped them all up in giant peapods, which were gross and smelled bad. Anyway, you aren’t gonna believe what happened after that, although you should because I swear it’s true.
“Hey look,” said Chigrindo from inside his peapod, “we’re all really sorry about sneaking into Heaven, and we promise not to do it again if you let us go. We’ll even start telling people that tomatoes are definitely a vegetable, and if you want, we can even start the rumor that strawberries are too!”
“Tempt me not with the sexiest of fruits!” boomed Potatoeous. “Thy presence has soiled the vegetable neighborhood of Heaven!”
“I thought soil was good for vegetables?” said one of the wizards.
Everyone tried not to laugh, but that just made them laugh harder. Even the little turnip soldiers, who of course were vegetables but had a pretty good sense of humor about themselves, had to turn their heads to keep from being caught.
“Alright, that’s it!” shouted Potatoeous, totally losing his cool. “Take them to the dungeon until I can figure out the worst way to kill them!”
“You mean like making us eat vegetables?” asked Chigrindo.
This time, the turnip soldiers totally lost it. They were rolling around on the ground (which was easy because they were basically little balls) holding their sides and crashing into each other. Honestly, it was cute as fuck, but more importantly, it made them drop the peapods, which split open allowing the wizards to escape. They all grabbed their wands and, knowing it would be super difficult to fight a god in Heaven, blasted a hole in the wall of the tower and jumped out. Luckily there were some giant spinach leaves they could use like parachutes, and they all made it down okay.
Looking back up, they saw Potatoeous staring down at them with his 20 or so huge, creepy eyes.
“We gotta get out of here,” said Chigrindo.
The wizards ran all over heaven, teleporting around and turning manhole covers into flying discs and causing all kinds of ruckus, all the while with Potatoeous and his much more serious asparagus minions chasing them. It was basically like a Scooby Doo episode, only with more vegetables, and also at one point they ran through a neighborhood where everyone was doing it (which most people referred to as “the good part of heaven”) and that’s not the kind of stuff you can put in a kid’s cartoon. Finally they turned down this alley in the plumbing neighborhood, run by Marionius, the god of pipes and plumbing. There, sitting on top of the highest hill, was a giant golden toilet that looked like a good place to hide because it was gross and no one would think that anyone would want to be in it.
Unfortunately for the wizards, Potatoeous, who like I said had a lot of eyes, saw them crawl inside and quickly raced to the top of the hill.
“Now I have you!” he shouted, as one of his weird root-like arms reached to flush the giant lever on the toilet.
“NO!” yelled all the citizens of Pipesville. “That lever is only to be flushed in the direst of circumstances, as the consequences of doing so are dire to say the least!” This is a speech Marionius had made them memorize for just such an occasion, and they shouted it really well but to no avail. Potatoeous was a proud god and did whatever he wanted whenever he felt like it. “Shut it, you dumb Pipeoneons!” he bellowed. “I’m about to teach these uppity wizards a thing or two!” And with that, he pushed down the lever, swirling the wizards around and around and sucking them down into the pipes.
Only, the flushing didn’t stop. It sucked in Potatoeous. It sucked in his minions. It sucked in the Pipeonons and all of the buildings. It sucked up every neighborhood, citizen, minion and god in all of Heaven.
After what seemed like forever, they all landed with a dull splat in a giant pile. No one died, since aside from the wizards, they were all either already dead or immortal. Still, it was unpleasant to say the least. After everyone got up and wrung themselves out the best they could, they all looked around trying to figure out where the fuck they were.
Everyone except the wizards that is. They knew exactly where they were. Smack dab in the middle of the first level of Hell. A place wizards visit all the time and can easily escape from. Before anyone could get their bearings, the wizards snuck out of Hell and went back to Chigrindo’s place, where they had some snacks and talked about what a crazy day they’d had.
Back in Hell, the Devil showed up on the scene and, as you can imagine, was pretty pissed. It’s not like you can blame him though. It was a huge mess and, in fact, is still being cleaned up to this day.
So look, if you wanna worship whatever god you want, that’s fine. If you wanna be a good person and help those less fortunate than you, that’s great. Just do it because you want to and not because you’re trying to get into Heaven. You might make it, but that just means you’ll end up in Hell as part of the clean up crew, which isn’t the worst job ever, but it’s certainly not much fun either.
Stories About Wizards 