Wizard Band

Once, there were these three wizards who decided to form a band and see if they could get free drugs and stuff. Voltrix played the guitar and sang, Barlimane played bass, Garsuas played drums, and this peasant named Jake played violin because he was really good at it, and they made him.

At the first band meeting, they had this big argument about what they should call the band and almost broke up.

“The Voltrix four!” said Voltrix.
“Magic Sounds!” said Garsuas, who everyone ignored because he was the drummer.
“How about ‘The Knife’ but we spell it with a ‘K’!” said Barlimane, who was dumb even for a bass player.

Finally, they settled on “The Dracolisk” which is a combination of a dragon and a basilisk that no one is sure even exists, kind of like ligers and bisexuals. Of course, then they got into an argument about whether or not it should be plural because, even if it was real, there was supposedly only one, but there were four members in the band. Garsuas said that maybe it had recently reproduced asexually, like in Jurassic park. Voltirx said if it was plural, it would probably be like moose, where it’s still the same word, but they should still decide because they would know in their hearts, and also people might ask. Barlimane said that regardless, they should spell it with a “k” at the end, and they almost kicked him out of the band, but he was the only one with a basement, so they voted to let him stay.

They knew they could use magic at shows, so at practice they would just goof off and cast joke spells on Barlimane’s mom when she brought them basement snacks. Finally, the night of their first big gig came, playing two songs at an open mic at this pizza place that had okay pizza but really good wings. Only, when they got there, there was a sign on the wall that said, “NO MAGIC, ONLY REAL BANDS WHO CAN PLAY THEIR INSTRUMENTS.”

“Well shit,” said Voltrix.
“We’re hosed,” said Barlimane.
“That’s discriminatory!” said Garsuas.

But then they stopped complaining because the air was full of this beautiful humming sound. In fact, everyone had fallen totally and completely silent. The whole crowd looked up and saw Jake on stage. He had hooked his violin into Voltrix’s amp and was playing this slow, sorrowful sound that was making everyone’s heart melt all over the place. After a few minutes of this, everyone was about ready to start busting out crying, but then Jake pressed a pedal on stage, and suddenly this killer drum loop came busting out of the speakers, and Jake played this really high note on the violin that was like “SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” and everyone was like “Holy Shit!” but no one could hear themselves because then he launched into this really amazing solo, and even though there were no words, you could tell it was all about someone who goes on a quest and has to overcome impossible obstacles including, but not limited to, giants, mountains, storms, warlocks, betrayal, hijinks, personal demons, real demons, and questions of self worth. In the end, it was obvious that the hero was triumphant and married whoever it was they loved and probably saved the world. Jake walked off stage while the drum loop was still fading out, and everyone bought him ale and gave him enough free drugs that he could share them with his friends.

After that, The Dracolisk started practicing twice a week, and Jake taught them all how to play their instruments. They never got famous or anything, but everyone agreed their cover of “Should I Stay or Should I Go” was pretty good.

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Art by Miranda Britton
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