Curse of the Gorgons

Think thee upon the Gorgons my friend, and weep at their sorrowful plight, for these proud woman were once the greatest of warriors in all the land and were equally as good at art and stuff. Three beautiful sister were they, much revered by their kinsmen, and much sought after by horny people who wished to be their bedfellows or even just good friends.

The Gorgon sisters thrived for decades in the Misty Valley, which was a cool place that always looked kind of spooky in a fun way. There, the sisters hunted and frolicked and made merry and even put on plays when people bugged them about it enough, which was was basically all the time.

It was during one of their many sold out performances that the sisters met the ghastly fate of which this tale does tell tale of. As always, the sisters were playing all of the roles in the play, and their costume switches alone were enough of a show to keep an audience of Arbatheian displacer beasts enraptured.*

*Displacer beasts basically look like panthers with a bunch of extra legs and tentacles. They have the power to teleport anywhere they want at any time they want, which means they don’t stick around long if you bore them (so basically like any cat now that I think about it). They are generally considered to be the hardest things in the world to entertain, and as for the ones from Arbatheian, don’t get me started.

The play itself was a comedy about a fisherman who catches a fish so small no one can see it. It’s kind of a metaphor about existence and what it means for something to be real. It’s honestly really, really good and works on a lot of different levels. I’d tell you all about it, but it loses a lot in translation because most of the best jokes are sight gags.

Anyway, they were midway through the second act, and people were cracking the fuck up, when this old man in a robe suddenly stood up and pointed his old bony finger at the stage.

“Cease thy sacrilegious jibber-jabber!” he shouted.

People started yelling stuff like “Shut up!” and “Sit down!” and “We paid to get in here!” But the sisters were more like, “Oh fuck.”

The reason they thought “Oh fuck” was because they knew the old man was Pisceoneous, a super powerful wizard, who was a fisherman before he learned how to do magic.

“Oh, hey, look,” said one of the sisters, “if you just let us finish, there’s this part in the third act where the fisherman sings this really great song that’s like:


“Oh I’ve caught fish all my life

I love to chop them up with my fisherman’s knife

And whenever ever ever I think abo–”

“Silence!” boomed Pisceoneous. “Tis indeed a catchy song, but it does nothing to quell my burning wrath. You three have clearly gotten way too full of yourselves, and quite frankly, I’m sick of it. Everyone pays so much attention to you all the time. Well guess what? Now I’m going to make you hideous to behold with, like, green skin, and I don’t know, like, snakes for hair or something.” And because Piceoneous was such a badass, he blasted them all three at once with the spell, and it worked super well. They had green skin and snake hair and everything.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” they screamed looking at each other.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” they screamed looking at themselves.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” screamed the audience because of the whole situation.

The screaming went on for a long time, and eventually everyone was out of breath and exhausted.

Finally, one of the Gorgons looked at her sisters and said, “You know, I mean you guys look kind of cool, in like a metal band album cover kind of way.”

“Yeah,” said the youngest sister. “I mean, I guess it’s pretty unique.”

“No one could deny that,” said the third sister, “and honestly, I kind of like snakes.”

The three sisters all agreed that snakes were, in fact, pretty sick.

“Hey finish the play!” shouted someone from the audience.

“Yeah finish the play!” everyone else but Piceoneous shouted.

And you know what? They did, and it was really good. Even Piceoneous liked it (although he would never admit it).

They went on to form a metal band because, you know, why not? Their music was awesome, and they added stuff from their plays into their stage shows, so seeing them live was totally epic. Afterwards, people would always bug their friends and be like, “You haaaave to go! It’s so amaaaaaazing! It will change your life.” And then the person wouldn’t go for a long time because of that thing where someone is too insistent about you checking something out, so you resist it kind of half out of spite and half out of annoyance, but usually the person would eventually get too curious or get a free ticket or something and go and love it.

Piceoneous tried to ruin the band by starting a rumor that anyone who looked at them would be turned to stone, but obviously that was hot garbage, and no one believed it.

Oh, now I remember that I started this story saying you should “weep at their plight” or something. Sorry about that. I forgot that this one had a happy ending.

Art by Miranda Britton


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