The Wizard Who Had a Hard Time Getting Comfortable

Where do wizards sleep? That’s a good question, and you’re very smart for asking it. The answer is the same as the answer to the ancient riddle: “Q: Where does an 800 lb. gorilla sleep?  A: In a nest 3-5 meters in diameter constructed of locally sourced leaves and branches.”

Yes, wherever you find these noble creatures, be it in a heavily fortified castle or in a mysterious disappearing shack deep in the forest, you will find their carefully constructed foliage beds, usually scattered with empty potion bottles and loose gems.

But what if I told you there was this one wizard who didn’t want to sleep on a bed of leaves and sticks? Could you believe that? Well you should because why would I make something like that up?  

Once there was this Wizard known as Carmelzoid the Uncomfortable, so called because his mother named him Carmelzoid when he was just a little baby. No matter what he was doing, Carmelzoid could never get comfortable. He was constantly squirming around in his chair and tossing and turning at night. He couldn’t enjoy movies or reading a book because he could never seem to find a comfortable position. He couldn’t even maintain a proper relationship because as soon as the initial hot period where you have a lot of sex was over, he found himself feeling really uncomfortable around the other person. As you might have guessed, sleeping on leaves and sticks did not work for him. He was the first wizard in history to get a bed. That didn’t work either though. He tried hammocks and cots, and he was actually the one who invented memory foam. For while every night when he went to bed the foam would say, “Oh great, this guy again!,” and even though it did provide a little bit of a distraction, he still never got a good night’s rest.

One evening he was at a friend’s house playing cards, squirming around as usual, when one of the other wizards couldn’t take it anymore. “For the love of Hoggrath!” she yelled. “I’ve already brought you three pillows and a shot of rum! What do you want me to do? Move game night to the top of a cloud?”

Everyone stopped talking and looked around at each other in silence because the pretzel bowl was empty and for the life of them they couldn’t remember whose turn it was to refill it. By the time they remembered they were wizards and could just use magic, Carmelzoid was gone, which was actually fine by them. They were trying to play Euchre, and having five people made it really complicated.

No one ever found out where Carmelzoid went because they didn’t look that hard. Besides, wizards are mysterious, ya know?

Art by Miranda Britton

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