Chubaba Come Home!

Once there was a boy wizard who had a tiny little pet dragon he raised from an egg. The dragon’s name was Chubaba, and he had a big round head and tiny little wings and could barely fly. Every time he flew up to grab a cookie from his master’s hand, he’d make this adorable little grunting noise, and smoke would come out of his nose, and everyone would be all like “awwwww” because of how fucking cute it was.

One day, the boy wizard decided to take Chubaba to the local fair because he knew all the girl wizards would fawn all over him, and maybe he could spin that into some make-out time. Of course he was right, and really pretty much everyone at the fair wanted to pet Chubaba and give him bits of their funnel cake. Pretty soon, Chubaba was so full of greasy, fried fair food that he couldn’t even do his normal kind of half-assed flying, so he decided to go on some rides instead. He went on the Tilt-a-Swirl, the Hurly Burly (which is a lumberjack themed ride where you just chop a fake log for two and a half minutes), and the Hey-Hey How’s Your Aunty.

After he rode each ride twice, he stepped off, turned in three circles, fell over in the grass, and puked his little guts out all over the place. “Oh gross!” a group of cute girls yelled and ran off, and a bunch of mean older boys pointed and laughed. Chubaba, who had never felt a single moment of embarrassment in his whole life, was so ashamed (and lighter now that he’d thrown up everything in his tumtum) that he flew off faster than ever before (which was still pretty slow).

After a while, the boy wizard finally showed back up with his arm around the most popular girl in school and said, “Hey, where’d Chubaba go?” Everybody looked at him like he was the most irresponsible pet owner ever because he pretty much was.

“He puked all over the place then flew off into the woods.” said some kid. “I guess maybe he figured nobody loved him or cared about him anymore.” That made all the kids who made fun of Chubaba feel awful about being such jerks, so they agreed to pitch in and go look for him. “Chubaba! Chubaba! Won’t you come home?!” they yelled, wandering around in the woods. Later, that became the basis for a party game where a bunch of kids would make one of their friends puke and then go hide in the forest.

Anyway, after looking for hours, they all finally came back to the fairgrounds feeling guilty and worried and thinking about calling the police. Just as one kid was about to mention how he heard about some guy who knew a dragon summoning spell, but it might bring every dragon in the kingdom over and they’d run the risk of burning down the fair, they all heard a gentle snoring sound coming from a barn. Everyone went in and looked, and there, on the back of a sheep, was Chubaba, fast asleep with a half-eaten elephant ear in his hand.

Someone shot a video of it, and it turned into a meme for like two months. Chubaba even got his own show, although it only lasted for half a season because he kept eating everything and puking on the set. Since that was what made him famous in the first place, you’d think the people who ran the show would be more understanding, but the entertainment business is fickle, and even though there’s a bunch of other good lessons in this story, that’s probably the most important takeaway.

Art by Miranda Britton

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