Born Invisible

Turning invisible is cool as shit, which is why wizards do it all the time. Of course, it helps if you know the spells Muffle Sound and Hide Smell, but even without those, you can get away with a lot. Also if you really wanna have a good time, you should try turning people’s cats invisible. Cats are already sneaky assholes who enjoy doing stuff like knocking over the glass of Fresca you just poured for, like, no reason, so you can imagine how much more frustrating it gets if you can’t even throw a shoe at them afterwards. Oh also, if you turn two cats invisible in the same house, they will randomly bump into each other and flip their shit, which is hilarious but also scary, so maybe that’s a good one to save for Halloween.

The point is, being invisible is super fun, but only if you don’t have to be that way all the time. Eating, for instance, is pretty gross when you’re invisible, as is kissing. I’ll tell you this too, if you’re ever invisible and have to poop, do NOT look down if you don’t want your mind totally blown.

This one kid I heard about was born invisible, and it sucked real hard. His name was Thornton, and he was that way because his mom got turned invisible when he was still in her tummy. The wizard who turned her invisible got hit by a bus after he cast the spell because he was laughing really hard and not paying attention. After a few weeks, the lady changed back to normal and thought everything would be okay, but then when she went to the hospital to have her baby, things got real weird real fast. First, the doctor told her to push, and her vagina got real big even though it looked like there was nothing there. The doctor was all like “uhhhh…,” and then Thornton just fell out onto the floor and accidentally got kicked by a nurse and skidded across the hall into a room where an old man was dying, so the first words he ever heard were, “I regret so much!”

You’d probably agree that was a pretty inauspicious beginning, but things only got worse from there. People were all the time sitting on him, or eating the rest of his fries because they thought someone left them behind. Worst of all was how half the time when people thought they were talking behind his back, they were actually right in front of his front. Clothes didn’t help because Thornton radiated a small invisibility field at all times, so if you tried doing something like shaking his hand, your hand would briefly disappear when it got close to him, and it totally weirded people out and meant that he didn’t get a lot of hugs.

Thornton tried going to wizards for help, but none of them was able to undo the spell, and they all said, “Being invisible is awesome anyway! You should just embrace it!” which is what idiots who don’t understand what something is like say to people who are having problems.

After years of looking, Thornton finally found a wizard who thought she could maybe help. She cast a light spell on him, and that made him glow really brightly. Because of the way his invisibility worked, he just kind of looked like a big ball of light, but at least now people could see him and, in fact, you could see him from miles away in every direction.

Of course, as you might imagine, this caused problems of its own, not the least of which was sleeping. Sleeping was already pretty hard for Thornton since his eyelids were clear and he could see right through them. This meant he always had to sleep in super dark rooms, which was now clearly not an option. It also meant he couldn’t go to see movies because he made it so bright in the theater that no one could see the screen. The one joy he had was slowly creeping over a hill in the middle of the night to make people think the sun was coming up five hours early, but even that got old after awhile.

Finally, after a week with no sleep, he sadly went back to the wizard to have the spell reversed. “Well,” said the wizard, “we gave it our best shot.” But when she started to reverse the spell, a strange thing happened. Suddenly, Thornton’s fingers started to appear, then his hands and arms, soon his whole body and face showed up, until eventually he was standing right in front of the wizard not only totally visible, but surprisingly handsome!

He would go on to marry a really nice lady who always said she would have married him even if he wasn’t visible, but it’s a safe bet that she would have been at least a little freaked out the first time they did sex. Eventually, they had a little girl who came out kind of clearish, so they named her Translucia (or Lucy for short). That didn’t turn out to be as much of a problem, and she actually looked really cool at dance parties when the lights would shine through her. Every now and then, Thornton would kind of miss being invisible, but for the most part, he was glad people stopped sitting on him.

Art by Frances Gunn

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