Why Wizards and Dragons Aren’t Best Friends Anymore

Considering how much they hate each other now, you’d probably be surprised to find out that wizards and dragons used to be best friends. Dragons would always say that technically wizards and griffins were both their best friends, but they had to say that because they grew up next to griffins. Everyone knew their real best friends were wizards.

Or at least that’s the way it used to be.

Wizards and dragons got along so well because they both lived to be like a billion and they were both magical. If you were a wizard, you always knew you could go to the nearest mountain cave and find a dragon who would give you some old scales for potions or a ride to the next kingdom over. In exchange, wizards would cast spells to hide the dragons’ gold hoards and stuff like that. It was a pretty mutually beneficial relationship.

The thing is, they were also both super competitive. They would burn down forests and wreck entire villages trying to show off. One time, there was this group of four or five wizards and a couple of dragons all hanging out getting drunk together in this clearing (the wizards had transmogrified a nearby lake into wine and the dragons were swimming around in it getting super wasted).

“Hey! … um, Hey! Hey! Ya know wha? You know wha? You know what?” said this one purple dragon named Lepozard.

“I know dat you’re too slow to catch dis, ya shit!” said one of the wizards, hurling a full mug of ale that narrowly missed the dragon’s head and knocked off the hat of the wizard standing behind him. This cracked everyone up, and they laughed about it for so long, they almost forgot what Lepozard was saying.

“Oh hey!” said Lepozard like twenty minutes later. “I was gonna to say that you wizards is have some powers but ah, but ah, but ah, hey! Hey! I bets that you alls can’t be destroy as much of stuff as even, as even one, *hic*, as even one dragon can do it… I betcha.”

“Dat dere’s some turd talking,” said a wizard who could barely stand. “We’s all got more of da magic and also of da power den what it is you all have too!”  

“Okay den here it is!” yelled Lepozard, jumping up on a rock. “See… yeah see dat barn waaaaaaay over dere. Well, now I betcha ya don’t see it, do ya?” So saying, he spit a giant wine-scented fireball up into the air and then jumped up twisting in midair and hitting it with his tail. The fireball flew across the clearing, smashing into the barn and blowing it to smithereens.

“Whoooooohoooo!” shouted Lepozard as he floated to the ground. “And I even did do it when I was the drunk!”

“Oh my garsh and jeez!” a wizard named Baffit said sarcastically. “You did burn down a barn didn’t you, you codswallop! My oh deary deary, that’s so difficult that peasants do it by accident about every freakin’ week.”

All the wizards laughed at this, but Lepozard just huffed and said, “Well then, my dirty pets, whaddya think you might have to show off, ya numblefoots, ya?”

All the wizards gathered in a huddle and started whispering about what they could do. After a few minutes, they started making intricate marks all over the ground and chanting.

“Oh hey, Jerry look at dis, dey can do the drawings on the ground like they are the little itty babies,” said Lepozard. (Jerry, who was the other dragon, had fallen asleep an hour ago but no one had noticed.)

“How about dis for your baby!” shouted Baffit as he and all the other wizards pointed their wands at the sky and let loose with an insane howl. The wand beams met in the middle of the sky and lit up the kingdom for miles around. Then they combined into one super beam that shot out toward nearby Mount Craigenthrope.

Now you might not know this, but mountains are pretty much the most magical things in existence. They’re full of old dragon bones, and mystical plants, and gems of power and shit like that. Plus, if you’ve ever seen one up close, you know that they are also really, really big. Yet what I’m about to tell you is 100% true. Maybe it was just because of how drunk the wizards were, or something about how the moon was, but the beam slammed into the mountain and it just blasted it to holy heck! No group of wizards, no matter how high-level, had ever done anything even close to that awesome. Everyone just stood there slack-jawed and staring, totally amazed they had pulled it off. Rocks and debris rained down everywhere for hundreds of miles. Almost all the peasants in the nearby village died, but the ones who didn’t got super rich. Why, you ask? Because a bunch of gold and gems from a dragon hoard rained down all over them.


“Oh shit,” said the wizards, who scattered before the dragon could sober up enough to think of what to do and also because huge rocks were falling all over the place and crushing everything.

Once word got out that a group of wizards had destroyed a dragon hoard, the friendship was over for good. Dragons started burning up anyone with a pointy hat on sight (which is also why you don’t see dunces around much anymore). Wizards retaliated by telling dwarves all the ways dragons hide their gold. It got pretty nasty, and to be honest, it still is. This is just one of the many reasons it’s best not to be around if a wizard and dragon are in the same place.

By the way, there weren’t any animals in that barn that got blown up earlier in the story, so I guess at least that’s one good thing.


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