Laundry Day

Of all the things wizards have to do, laundry is by far the most difficult. First of all, their robes have all sorts of secret pockets that they forget about, and if you think it’s tough to get ink stains out of your jeans, you should try getting invisibility potion out of a cloak. I mean how would you even start? Most wizards just end up trying to color it back in with a sharpie, and then they look like weirdos.

Also, between all the potions that get spilled on them and the spells that they absorb, wizard clothes have a tendency to come to life, and you have to coax them into the washing machine the same way you coax a dog into the bathtub.

This is why most wizards end up only doing laundry once a year when people start complaining about the stench. In fact, they’ve turned it into an official wizard holiday called “Laundry Day”. It’s a great time if your idea of fun is watching a bunch of wrinkly old wizards running around naked squirting water all over the place.

By the way, I’m not being sarcastic. It really is pretty fun. In fact, let me tell you about one of the funniest Laundry Days ever.

As per usual, all the wizards had spent most of the day drinking in preparation. They showed up in “Laundry Valley” around 4 p.m. to get things started. It wasn’t originally called “Laundry Valley” of course. It was a little town called “Happy Valley” with about 40 to 50 people living there, but as soon as a few hundred wizards showed up and started casting storm and flood spells all over the place everyone moved away and ended up settling in a place they called “Mount Sadness”. It was actually just in another valley a few miles away. To be honest it was even a little nicer. They were just trying to make the wizards feel bad about being such jerks. Of course, if you know anything about wizards, you know about how well that worked.

Anyway, every wizard gathered in a circle around a big pit they had dug. First, they all threw their bags of laundry in, then they stripped naked and threw the clothes they had been wearing in. “Okay let’s do it!” said Jocova, who was the wizard in charge that year (this was back before she fell in love with a mermaid and turned herself into a bird). Then all the wizards let loose with whatever washing spell they had been prepping all year. Naturally, as wizards they were all trying to outdo each other, and this is the year things finally got out of control. See, this one wizard named Fontearal had created a spell called BubbleCat to make all the bubbles look like kitty cats. He figured everyone else was going to be creating a washing spell, so why not have some fun with it? The only problem was, the spell worked too well and not only did the bubbles look like cats, they also started acting like cats. And since cats hate water, the bubble cats started totally flipping their shit and floating/running around all out of control. This was crazy enough, but every time a bubble cat ran into another bubble cat, they clawed each other and popped. But instead of disappearing, they just turned into, like, a dozen tiny bubble kittens who also floated around making havoc. Obviously, this was cracking everyone up and was goddamn adorable, but then the wind picked up, and all the bubble cats and kittens floated across the valley and over the mountains and landed in Mount Sadness, where they ended up confusing everyone and soaking the entire town in sudzy water. The people didn’t enjoy it, but honestly, they were pretty stinky, so it wasn’t the worst thing to ever happen.

The moral is that moving one valley over is not nearly far enough to get away from the effects of a wizard party.

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