The Invention of Halloween

You’ve probably heard all sorts of stories about how Halloween got started. Maybe you heard it started as “All Saints Day” and was a day for religious types to remember when their super heroes died, or that it was originally called Samhain and Glenn Danzig started it in the 80’s, or even that is was named for a guy named Hal who never got weaned. Well, I’m here to let you know that all that is garbage. Much like everything else cool in life, Halloween was started by some wizards who got bored.

As you know, wizards enjoy visiting Hell all the time for fun and profit. Making portals to the first few levels of Hell (also known as Heck) is pretty simple and is one of the first spells you learn in Wizdergarten. Sometimes they forget to close these portals up which is how demons get into the world and do things like possess people or get rid of Vine. Demons and wizards actually get along super well, as they tend of have similar senses of humor, but that didn’t keep the demons from getting jealous.

You see, surprisingly enough, Satan is really strict about demons not being allowed to go to Earth, and the demons who do get out have to sneak back in at night through a window while he’s asleep or risk getting punished, which, as you probably imagine what with it being Hell and all, is usually pretty bad.

It just didn’t seem fair to the demons that wizards could come and go as they please, but they had to fill out a bunch of forms to request even a day pass to Earth, and even then it usually got denied unless they had a good reason like it was their birthday or someone built a house on a burial ground or something.

Eventually, this lead to a rift developing between wizards and demons which wasn’t good for anybody. When a wizard would show up in Hell and be like, “Oh hey Bzuxqual, how’s torturing going?,” the demon would just say something like, “I don’t know. Fine. Whatever.”

And then the wizard would be like, “Hey bud, what’s the deal?”

And the demon would be like, “Nothing, enjoy hanging out in Hell all you want.” And then they’d mutter something nasty under their breath, but because they were demons they did that all the time anyway, so it took awhile for the wizards to catch on.

Anyway, eventually they got the demons to admit what was wrong, and they were like, “Oh shit bros, that makes sense. Sorry your boss is being a knob. Hang tight and we’ll talk to him.”

So a bunch of wizards got together and had a big meeting with Satan. “Look man,” they said, “you’re kind of being a nerd about this. Why not just let the demons come to Earth and wreak some havoc? We thought you were all about that shit?”

“Man, you wizards think you know everything, don’t you?” said Satan. “If I let the demons go to Earth as often as they want, it will be just like Hell up there, and then people won’t even be afraid of coming here. Did that even occur to you, or were you too busy being buttholes to think about it?”

This made they wizards kind of feel bad, so they were like, “Okay what if they just got to come up one night a year, and we’ll make up some bullshit holiday where everyone dresses up scary, so people won’t even know for sure if the demons are really real demons from Hell or just people who could afford good costumes?”

“I don’t know,” said Satan. “Maybe? I’m not convinced.”

The wizards expected this, as Satan is renowned for coming out ahead on deals. (I mean except for the time he lost his best violin to some redneck, but that’s a whole other story.)

“I think you’re going to have to sweeten the deal a little bit If you expect me to let my demons out for a whole night,” he continued.

“Sure, we’ll throw in a few bags of candy!” shouted a wizard named Domitius, who was getting impatient and just being a sarcastic jerk.

“Done!” cried Satan, who as it turns out has a real sweet fang.

“Um, okay,” said the Wizards, who didn’t understand what had just happened but knew they should close the deal while they could.

Anyway, so that’s how Halloween started. The demons got kind of upset when people started just using it to dress up sexy and get wasted because they felt they could have just stayed in Hell for that. But it’s like, nothing’s perfect, you know?

Wizard Halloween

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