The Haunted Spirit Cave

Most wizards keep a spirit cave out back, but the majority of them just use it for drinking and getting away from the ol’ ball-and-chain. The thing about spirit caves is that they’re super expensive to maintain. They’re always getting full of bat poops and dead bugs, and if you don’t go out there for a while a bear will probably move in. And don’t get me started on the spirits. You think a spirit is cheap? Depending on which plane of existence they come from you could end up spending a year’s worth of gold on just one. They also have a pretty strong union so forget about locking them into an exclusive contract or getting them to work holidays. Of course if you only have one or two spirits the other wizards are bound to give you shit about it. “Gee Meriva,” they’d say “I’ve seen more spirit than this at a community college softball game,” which probably wouldn’t even be true since most wizards hate sports and almost never attend events.

Anyway, that’s the reason this wizard named Gorflorkin came up with The Spirit Caverns, which he called “An immersive maintenance-free spirit oasis.” The idea was that you could buy a timeshare and use one of the caves in this mountain complex two days a week plus two full weekends every year. It was a pretty good deal since most wizards didn’t use their caves all that often. They could also let bears move back into them, which is a real advantage if you like having a bear around.

One day Gorflorkin was tidying up one of the recently used spirit caves when he heard a strange sound come from the walls. He put down his feather duster and listened more closely. “Geeeett ouuuuuuut,” hissed a raspy voice.

“Oh sorry,” said Gorflorkin “I didn’t know you guys were still in here. The wizard left an hour ago, though, and I don’t have anything to commune about, so you can go ahead and head back to the spirit realm or wherever.”

“Geeeeeett ouuuuuuuuut” hissed the voice again, adding more e’s and u’s so as to sound more sinister.

“Look,” said Gorflorkin “Our deal was pretty clear. You provide spiritual guidance to the wizards who come in and I sacrifice a deer or an equivalent hooved mammal every two weeks. You can hang out if you want, but I have to keep the caves clean or my customers will take their business elsewhere, okay?”

“GET OUT!!!” boomed the voice, echoing across the walls of the cave.

“Hey, what is your problem?!” asked Gorflorkin.

“Just ignore him,” said Phillip, one of the spirits who worked in the caverns.

“Phil?” asked Gorflorkin “Who is that guy, and what exactly is up his butt?”

“None of us know,” said Phillip, “He just kind of showed up last week and started telling people to ‘geeeet ouuuut’. It’s honestly super obnoxious.”

“Wait, so he doesn’t work here?” asked Gorflorkin.

“I’ve never met him,” said Janis, a beet farmer who died with unfinished business 300 years ago. “Besides don’t you do all the hiring yourself?”

“Well, we’ve expanded recently and it’s hard keeping track of everyone’s names,” answered Gorflorkin. “So wait… are you telling me these caves are… haunted?!”

“Well if they are, this guy better ‘geeeet ouuuut’ himself,” said Janis. “Unregistered hauntings are against union regulations.”

“I juuuuuust thought I could try oooooooout.” said the voice “You know, like an audiiiiiiition.”

“Jesus,” said Gorflorkin. “That’s not how it works.”

“And even if it was, you wouldn’t have passed,” added Phillip. “Telling people to get out isn’t exactly spiritual guidance.”

“oh… sooooooorry,” said the voice. “I thought this was more of a hauuuuunting situatiooooon”

“Also just elongating vowels doesn’t make you scary, ya know?” said Phillip.

“Yeah,” said Janis. “Next Halloween you should see if anyone is running an annoying house.”

This totally cracked up Phillip and Gorflorkin who started rolling around on the ground laughing. (Well, not Phillip, because he didn’t have a body.)

“You guys are total jeeeeeeerks!” yelled the voice.

“Hahahaha! He’s still doing it!” cried Gorflorkin, howling with laughter.

That was the last they ever heard from the voice, which no one really minded.


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