The Alligator Who Fell In Love with a Burger

Once there was a wizard who was being eaten by an alligator. I know some of you are wondering “Why was that happening?” or “How did he get himself into such a predicament?” but those are the kinds of questions you eventually stop asking yourself when you become more familiar with wizards. They’re always in some crazy situation or other, and the further back you go the more questions you have. If you go on for too long you end up asking things like “But why is the universe here at all?” and “What is the difference between nothing and everything if you really think about it?” Believe me, it’s better just to go from whatever point you’ve dropped in at and see what happens.

All of which is to say that this wizard was being eaten by an alligator and he didn’t care for it. Normally, when confronted with something unpleasant a wizard will just cast fireball and move on, but in this case, the wizard didn’t want to burn off his own foot, which was inconveniently located inside of the alligator’s mouth. Unfortunately, he hadn’t learned any specific spells like AllligatorVanish or BiteNoMore which were designed with situations such as this in mind. In his current mental state, the only thing he could think to do was cast this spell he knew really well for making a hamburger appear. He’d cast it like a million times in college when he and his friends were smoking weed.

Suddenly the most mouthwatering juicy hamburger appeared next to the alligator. It had cheese, lettuce, tomato, grilled onions, and a pickle on the side. “Oh wow!” thought the alligator, “What luck! I will come back and eat that burger after I drag this guy to the bottom of the swamp, kill him, and stash his corpse under a rock.”

The wizard, who had by this time been dragged chest-deep into the water, pulled one last desperate move. With all the magic remaining in his heart, and the blood left in his brain, he waved his hands and cast a love spell on the alligator, hoping the beast would fall in love with him and spare his life. He cried as he imagined himself having to live the rest of his life in the swamp changing little alligator diapers (as I said there wasn’t much blood left in this brain).

Now as you probably know, a common love spell makes you fall in love with the first thing you see, which in the case of the alligator, was not the wizard but the magical hamburger. Immediately it let go of the wizard’s foot and jumped upon the stump whence sat the burger in question. It lifted the burger above its head with its stocky little arms and composed the following little ditty on the spot.

If ever you have a burger
Never let it go
For every burger is a lovely burger
As every gator should know

But MY sweet burger?
The burger I love
Why it’s the best burger of all
I love my burger all o’ the year
In Spring
In Summer
In Fall

And in the Winter my burger I’ll wed
I’ll take my burger to lay in my bed
I’ll pat it, I’ll pet it, and call it my dear
So that it will always know
How sad I’ll be, and how I’ll weep
When I eat it in the snow


The wizard limped out of earshot at this point, but there were, in fact, several more verses to this song. Some people even say that if you go down near the swamp on a clear night you can still hear the alligator singing to its burger. That was like fifty years ago though so those people are pretty stupid if you ask me.

Art by Miranda Britton


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