Dear Stories About Wizards,
I’ve been an avid reader of your site for almost two years now. See, I’m a huge fan of fantasy (I’ve even got a few fantasies of my own) and you always leave me hungry and wanting more! Your stories provide me with a much-needed release whenever I’m feeling that itch. I just never dreamed anything like that could happen to me!
Well, little did I know the wizard who lives next door had a different idea. His name is Steve and I’d often pass him on my way to work in the mornings while he was watering his hemlock and nightshade. I’d always admired his well-muscled chest and his tall, yet girthy, hat. I was too shy to ever say anything but eventually my sly glances, and the wizard I had airbrushed on the side of my van, were enough for Steve to get the hint.
One Friday, after a particularly hard day at the mortal office where I work doing mortal work, Steve dropped by unannounced, startling me, and the man I was about to have sex with.
“Who’s that?” asked whats-his-name, as he did something or other.
“None of your business, loser!” I said looking out the window. “Now get out of here before he sees you!”
“Do you want me to actually finish installing the cable before I leave?” he asked, in a pathetic attempt to stay friends.
“No!” I shot back “I’m sure my new friend can handle that. In fact, I bet he’ll just take me to the set of Frasier and let me meet the guy who plays Niles.” In my mind, Steve and I were already pulling Niles into his trailer for some intense between scenes psychotherapy.
“Whatever.” said the guy or whatever.
I went to answer the door, making sure to forget to zip my pants up. It had taken the wizard this long to figure things out, and I wasn’t going to wait any longer. He might have an 18 intelligence but his passive perception modifier must be -4!
“Hellooooooooo” I said answering the door in my sexiest Mrs. Doubtfire voice. “Is there ANYTHING I can help you with?”
“Erm, yes,” he said raising his bushy, yet girthy, eyebrows. “I believe this got put in my mailbox by mistake.” He held out a slim, yet rigid, cardboard box containing the Hitachi magic wand I had ordered two days ago. (Thank god for Prime shipping!)
“Oh my,” I said eyeing the thing while a steady stream of drool poured out of my mouth and onto the cat waiting at my feet. “Well, I guess they assumed it was for you, what with it being a wand and all.”
“Well, yes, turns out that’s a bit of misnomer,” he replied. “I cast Detect Magic on the box and got no response.”
“Well, perhaps you should try it on my box and see what happens?” I suggested while also suggestively humping the door frame. Basically I was suggesting shit all over the place!
“I’m afraid I have to travel to the ethereal plane early tomorrow, so maybe I’ll just leave it here.” So saying, he threw the box into my kitchen and ran across the street, nearly getting hit by a bus.
Since that day he’s been visiting me in my dreams nearly every night. He’s also been keeping himself locked up in his house the rest of the time, probably in case I decide to take a nap.
Anyway, I just had to share my experience with your readers! My advice is don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, ladies. Turns out Wizards aren’t the only ones capable of casting Charm Person, if you know what I mean.
I mean, you can also use your tits and pussy.