The Wizard Who Stayed in Bed

Once there was a wizard you’ve never heard of named Smapplefrapp. He was super duper powerful, but you’ve never heard of him because most days he just straight up refused to get out of bed. If he wanted to he could reduce mountains to ash, and turn dragons into butterflies, but all he really wanted was “another five minutes.” 

Sometimes the king would send an emissary to him with urgent messages like “Help, Smapplefrapp! The south is being invaded by orcs with these new things called guns and we don’t know what to do!” or “The princess has been kidnapped by some sort of giant turtle thingy that killed all the knights! Either you go get her or I’m gonna have to send the janitor or something!”

Smapplefrapp would look at these messages with a sigh and say, “Tell the king I’ll be there as soon as I get dressed.” but then he would just go back to sleep and forget about it. 

After a few decades of this people stopped even bothering and left him alone, which is exactly what he wanted in the first place. The kingdom was attacked by dragons and hill giants and ogres with flame throwers, but Smapplefrapp slept through it all. 

Eventually an army of pixies from across the kingdom banned together and overthrew the demon lord Balor who was the latest in a long line of misfits and assholes to take over the land. The pixies established a social democracy that made sure everyone had both the means and opportunity to live the life they chose. They used their magic to transform the kingdom into a beautiful paradise full of wonders and mirth. They even had t-shirts printed up that said “Pixieland! If You Can’t Be Happy Here You Probably Have Deeper Issues You Need to Deal With!”

After a hundred years of peace and prosperity, the kingdom was invaded by monstrosities from the outerplanes of reality. The pixies fought bravely but they were no match for the displacerbeasts and mindflayers. As a last-ditch effort the remaining pixies managed to pick up Smapplefrapp’s bed, and beating their tiny little adorable wings as hard as they could, flew it the top of the highest mountain in the kingdom (which was now actually a republic). They set it down in front of the giant beholder that was leading the evil army and hoped for the best.  

“What foolishness is this?” boomed the tyrant, “Have you brought me a dead wizard as a sacrifice to my everlasting glory?”

“Excuse me,” said Smapplefrapp, sitting up for the first time in thirty years, “Would you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to sleep.”

“INSOLENCE!” roared the beholder, “WHEN I’M DONE CONQUERING YOUR PUNY REALITY I WILL MAKE YOU MY PERSONAL SLAVE!”

“Oh piss off,” said Smapplefrapp, as he cast MeteorSwarm, engulfing the whole world in hot rocky death. Luckily the pixies were tiny and could fly so they were able to dodge around the worst of it. The enemy army was totally destroyed, along with most of the planet, but the pixies still chalked it up as a win. They had a huge celebration and invited Smapplefrapp to be their guest of honor. 

“Sure,” said Smapplefrapp when they told him about it “Just wake me up like 15 minutes beforehand so I can throw some clothes on.”

Obviously they didn’t bother. 

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