Sword Cat

Everyone knows that swords are the best. Battleaxes are a close second, and maces are just dumb. “Oh look out! I’m gonna hit you with a heavy stick!” Hey, what if that stick was sharp or something? Wouldn’t that work better? 

Yeah, that’s called a sword, dumb-dumb. 

The only problem with swords is that they freak out when you take one to the mall. Which is weird, since that’s the main place to buy swords. I guess you’re supposed to take it home and unwrap it and put it on your mantel or something. That kind of defeats the purpose of having a sword though, plus it takes up a lot of room on your mantel. Listen Sword-On-Mantel guys, I’m not telling you what to do with your life, but if you took the sword down and used it every once a while you could fill the mantel up with heads!

Anyway, one wizard came up with a clever way to take a sword into public places. He did it by creating Sword Cat. Sword Cat sounds like A) a badass name and, B) a cat that carries around your sword, but it’s only the first one. It’s also a cat that turns into a sword, which is the most badass thing of all. 

People had 100% total respect for Sword Cat. He looked just like a super shiny rainbow sword! He would walk around and cut things with his sharp tail, scratch bad guys with his claws, and bite you with his metal fangs if you were a jerk. Also if the wizard who made him didn’t feel like using magic that day, Sword Cat would turn into a sword that way his wizard friend/master could stab and cut people. It was a pretty good deal for everyone (except the guy who got cut and stabbed but he was probably bad anyway.) 

One night Sword Cat was walking through the forest hunting deers and tigers and stuff. This was a thing he did a lot when the wizard went to bed and he wanted to be badass on his own time. He had just finished killing a pack of huge wolves when a knight walked by on his way home to bed.

“Hey,” said the knight, “This is the king’s woods and you aren’t allowed to hunt here without permission.”

“Chill,” said the cat, “I’ve killed like 50 ogres for the king already this year, so I don’t think he’s gonna care about a few wolves. Also, wolves are like dogs, and I hate those things.”

“Well, all the same, I’m gonna have to take you in,” said the knight.

Now, I think we can all agree that Sword Cat was being super cool and patient about the whole thing, but this was clearly going too far. He was just about to slice the dumb knight in twain when the wizard came out of the forest.

“Sword Cat!” he cried, “There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you. The king needs us for a special mission right away!”

Sword Cat looked the knight in his big stupid face. “Sorry I have to go do a special mission for the king that I guess you weren’t good enough for,” he said all sarcastic like, “I’ll make sure to mention that I killed a few wolves he probably wanted dead anyway.”
The knight just stood there with his mouth hanging open. 

When they got to the castle they found out the assignment was to kill the knight because he was so annoying and everybody hated him. The wizard and the cat thought that was pretty funny, but agreed it was also a pain in the ass to have to find him again. Luckily when they went back he was still standing by the wolves with his mouth open because of how dumb he was. 

When they got there Sword Cat cut the knight in two without even saying anything. Normally the wizard didn’t like it when Sword Cat did that because it made such a mess; he was much more into a classic beheading. He understood this time, though. Sometimes when someone sucks super bad you need to kill them in an extra cool way.