How to Beat Up a Lemon

If you ever decide to turn a piece of fruit into a monster so you can fight it, DO NOT choose a lemon. I know they seem small compared to grapefruits and watermelons, but trust me, they are tougher than you think.  

That’s what Salbobo, this one wizard I knew, learned the hard way. He was a battle-type wizard so he was always looking for new things to fight. He’d fought a gorgon, a mind flayer, a fire giant, and one time a giant fire that came to life. After several years of this he started to feel sad because he’d pretty much beat up every single type of monster. 

“Maybe I should just retire,” Salbobo sighed as he sat in his hut blasting hut mice with tiny lightning bolts. 

“Don’t be sad, master,” said his trusty baby dinosaur Fidget, “How about a carnivorous plant? I bet you’ve never fought one of those.”

“Are you kidding?” said Salbobo, “The Swamp Creep, Thorn Man, Broccoli Tom, I’ve fought them all and won! What else is there?”

“Well those are all vegetable-based,” answered Fidget, “What about a fruit monster, you know like a Maul-berry, Pome-grenade?”

“Those sound both dangerous and delicious,”  said Salbobo, “But no such creatures exist. If they did, I probably would have fought them already.”

“Well, why don’t you just make one then,” asked Fidget, who quite frankly was getting tired of this, “You’re a wizard aren’t you?”

“Well..erm… I suppose… but…” stammered Salbobo.

“Well, erm, you suppose what?” asked Fidget.

“Well, it’s just that it’s against the rules laid down by the grand council of wizards and mages. We can’t go around creating monsters. That would make us evil!”

“Oh piffle!” proclaimed Fidget, “You’ve destroyed every monster you’ve ever faced! Besides, consider it practice. What if the kingdom is really attacked by an Ape-Ro-Cat or something? Then you’d be ready for it!”

“Well… I guess…” started Salbobo.

“Well, stop guessing and just do it already!” commanded Fidget. He hopped over to the table and grabbed a lemon from the fruit bowl.

“Here,” he said, handing it to the wizard, “Start with this. Should be simple enough.”

“Oh, alright,” said Salbobo, “but let’s take it outside. I don’t want to get lemon juice all over the rug.”

“Very wise,” said Fidget as he followed his friend out to the backyard.

LemonZangWang! Blood from juice! Get ready for some fruit abuse!” intoned Salbobo as he waved his wand above the lemon. By the way, wizards totally don’t have to rhyme to cast spells, they just always do it because they like to show off.

Before he could even take a step back, the lemon sprang to life, growing four muscular legs with razor-sharp, three-toed paws.

“Holy Fuck!” screamed Fidget as he watched the monstrosity fling the wizard across the garden and into the compost pile. 

The tiny dinosaur quickly jumped onto the roof, but the lemon was on top of it in a split second. Luckily, he was one of those little slippery kinds of dinosaurs and he managed to squirm away and slide down the chimney before his head was removed from his cute little body. 

The lemon beast didn’t even slow down, though, as it proceeded to rip the stones from the chimney like a kid pulling apart lego bricks. 

Meanwhile, Salbobo started to come to and was wiping the old coffee grounds and eggshells off his face. He looked up and saw the lemonstrosity clawing up his chimney and totally trashing his roof. “Hey!” he yelled “Get down from there! I just had that re-thatched!”

The lemon turned and made a disgusting growly squishy noise before leaping all the way across the yard.

“Holy Jesus Fuckface!” screamed Salbobo who barely had time to throw up a forcefield before the voracious fruit landed on him. 

The lemon squished at the forefield in fury as the wizard levitated up into the air, hoping to get off a good ScorchingRay shot. But before he could even get 20 feet up the beast turned and sprayed him with what he hoped to christ was lemon juice. 

“Ahhhhhh! It burns!” screamed the wizard as he lost his concentration and floated back into the lemon’s waiting claws.

Right as it was about the rip the spellcaster to shredded wizard wheat, the lemon suddenly reared back and made a primeval gurgling sound in what would have been its throat if it had one.

“I’m gonna zest you up good!” yelled Fidget as he tore into the monster’s hide.

The lemon tried rolling around and around in the yard to shake off the dino, but all it did was loosen up its own skin and juice itself more.

For a brief second Salbobo stood and watched in horror, but he quickly came to his senses. Knowing he had to act quickly before the fruit could recover, he grabbed his pruning shears from a nearby wheelbarrow. 

“Time to reap the harvest!!!” he cried as he plunged the gardening implement into the creature’s side.

Sour pulpy lemon juice sprayed across the lawn, totally ruining the rows of peas and carrots. The lemon gave a final defiant squish as it deflated like the world’s most terrifying water balloon. 

“Simple, eh?” said Salbobo giving his pet the ol’ side-eye.

“Well, you were the one looking for a challenge.” rejoined the dinosaur, “At any rate, I’m going to go find the bourbon.”

Later that evening Salbobo and Fidget set on a couple of lawn chairs sipping whiskey sours and watching the moon rise over the remains of their hut. 

“I suppose in this case the true monster was boredom, eh, Fidget?” asked the wizard.

“You always get philosophical after a battle,” answered the dinosaur, taking another drink from his glass. 

“I guess I do at that,” said Salabobo, swirling his ice around contemplatively.

“Hey,” he said at last, “I don’t think I’ve ever fought anything from the nut or grain family.”

Without saying anything, Fidget hopped down from his chair and sauntered back into what was left of their home. 

“I was just saying!” yelled Salbobo behind him, but the dinosaur didn’t even look back.

“Some people just don’t have a thirst for adventure,” said the wizard as he tipped up his glass and sucked the last of the juice from his lemon wedge.

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