The Bedtime Wizards

Everyone hated the Bedtime Wizards soooooo much. The only spell those guys ever learned was Sleep, and they went around in a big gang casting it on everyone all the time. “Time for bed! Time for bed!” they’d yell, as they ran through town putting everyone to sleep. Farmers would fall asleep plowing their fields, old ladies would fall asleep with their faces in pies, and couples who were doing sex to each other would fall asleep in the middle of it and wake up not knowing if they had made a baby or not.

Finally, some kid fell asleep riding his bike and skinned up his knees so bad that his mom got super pissed. She hocked all her jewelry and used the money to hire a revenge wizard to take care of the problem once and for all. “You don’t have to kill them,” she said, “just make them go away or stop putting people to sleep or whatever.”

“No problem at all!” said the revenge wizard.

But turns out, it actually was a problem. The revenge wizard was named Cazamira, and she had only been a wizard for like a week or so. She was super ambitious though, so as soon as she learned two spells, she went ahead and put an ad in the paper saying she was available for revenge work. The thing was, the two spells were Levitate and Notdog (which is a spell that makes it look like there is a dog even though there is not a dog), and she wasn’t sure either one of those was going to be very useful. Still, she’d taken the job, and she knew she had to see it through, so she came up with a plan.

What she did was follow the Bedtime Wizards’ trail, which was pretty easy because of all the passed out birds and squirrels in the road, and then she ran ahead of them to the next town and warned all the people that the Bedtime Wizards were on their way. “Well shit,” said everyone, besides the people who didn’t need to get anything done that day, “I guess we’re going to have to leave town until they’re gone.”

“Yeah, I guess you could do that if you feel like being scaredy cats,” said Cazamira, “or you could help me dig a ditch around that big hill over there, and your town could become famous.”

People didn’t know what the fuck she was talking about, but she was a wizard and everything, plus they could tell from the way she talked that she was a real go getter, so they all went off and grabbed their shovels and hoes and stuff.

The villagers worked really hard because they got all pumped up thinking about their town being famous. The ditch was way deep and pretty wide. When they were finished, Cazamira told them all to go home and get in bed, that way they wouldn’t bonk their heads when they fell asleep.

Sure enough, as soon as they got all tucked in, the Bedtime Wizards showed up and started doing their thang. They were kind of bummed because everyone was in bed, and most of them were already asleep since they were tired from digging. “What’s even the point?” they said to each other, moping around like a bunch of first graders who miss their mommies. Finally, they spotted this really cute dog sitting on top of a hill giving them that sideways head look dogs do when they can’t figure something out.

“Ah ha!” they all yelled, “That dog thinks it’s safe on the other side of that ditch, but it’s dumb because it’s still in range. Man, dogs are stupid.”

They all aimed their wands and cast Sleep at the same time (which was a jerk move and would have put the dog to sleep for like a thousand years), but nothing happened. “What’s this fresh bullshit?!” they said, getting even angrier than before.

They kept firing and firing, but nothing happened. Finally, they couldn’t take it anymore and climbed down into the ditch and started up the hill. Right as they got to the top, Cazamira stepped out from behind a bush and casted levitate on all the water around the town. If that sounds like the hardest thing ever to you, you’re right, and it really says something about the power of determination, so I hope you’re paying attention and get inspired to do something with your life.

Cazamira made sure to get water that had a bunch of alligators and sharks and electric eels in it too. It took so much concentration that white hot flames shot out of her eyes and mouth, and she started to float in the air and look badass as fuck. Of course, the cute dog disappeared, but it didn’t matter anymore because now the Bedtime Wizards were at the top of the hill and were totally and completely boned. Cazamira dropped the water with a loud fwosh!, which totally soaked all of their robes. (She didn’t even intend for that part to happen, but later when people asked her about it, she always claimed she planned it.) Obviously, the Bedtime Wizards were mad as hell, but there wasn’t much they could do about it. Cazamira was smart enough to stay out of range and shouted to the new island, “Might as well cast Sleep on yourselves because you’re not going anywhere for a long time asswipes!” That burn made the Bedtime Wizards go crazy with rage, but eventually they calmed down because they knew she had a point.

Cazamira was right about the town getting famous after that. They built a park with hammocks around the island, and people would come from miles around to take naps in the sun. No one was really sure why the wizards kept casting Sleep on people. Maybe it was just all they knew, or maybe they thought that if they were nice, people would feel sorry for them and let them off the island, but so far they haven’t been that lucky. The villagers did eventually start floating boats of food and wine over to them, so it’s wasn’t too bad over there. After a few years, this one kid even went over on the boat, thinking they’d want some company, but the wizards kept casting sleep on him over and over, and now it’s just an island with a bunch of wizards and one old man whose clothes are too small. (So much for trying to be nice.)

The moral of the story is that knowing two spells is always better than knowing just one.

Cazamira (1)
Art by Kim Zangrando
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