Hello, my name is David. Sorry I’m just now introducing myself. I’m the guy who does this thing you’re reading. Right now I’m on a tour called Comedians of the Galaxy with a couple of very funny friends. We thought (I thought) it would be fun if we each did a short story for this week’s Wizard story. Turns out it totally was! I hope you like them!
The Prank that went too Fucking Far
Once there were these two best friend wizards named Charmiranda and Snakeferd. All those two ever wanted to do was prank each other. They didn’t care about helping people, or fighting gorgons, or collecting gems, or anything. For instance, one time Snakeferd missed his kid’s t-ball game because he spent the whole weekend coming up with a spell to make Charmiranda’s magic missiles look like wangs. It was pretty immature, I guess, but he even made it so there was a porno music sound when they shot off and sploosh sound when they hit, so you can’t say he didn’t put in the effort.
99% of the time, they thought the other person’s prank was hilarious, but one time Charmiranda went too far and almost messed up their friendship for good. It was her turn to cast a prank, but she couldn’t think of anything good, so she just waited until Snakeferd went to bed and cast a portal to hell in front of his toliet.
I know that sounds pretty bad, but wizards actually visit hell all the time. The demons on the first couple of levels are really easy to beat. In fact, a lot of them are just dogs who can barely bark up fire. The thing is, Charmiranda cast the 12th level version of the spell, instead of the normal 5th level version, and when Snakeferd got up in the middle of the night to pee, he fell like way super deep into hell, like basically right by where the devil lives.
In the morning, Charmiranda went over to Snakeferd’s house to see if he was okay and laugh in his face. She brought orange juice and muffins, which was their usual way of saying sorry after a joke (although she put bees in the muffins because she’d finally thought of a good prank).
She was surprised to find he wasn’t around, so she went to go look in the hell pit. The second she looked down it, she was like, “fuuuuuuuuuuck, that’s way too deep.” Just as she was about to jump in and look for him (because she was actually a really good friend), a pit popped up behind her, and Snakeferd came flying out with his robes and beard still on fire. One of the little hell dogs came with him, but he just kicked it back down into the pit and gave Charmiranda the stankest stink eye that ever stunk.
“Sorrysorrysorry!” said Charmiranda, like a million times, but it wasn’t doing any good. Finally she timidly asked, “What was it like?”
Snakeferd sighed and looked down, casually stomping out one of the corners of his robe that was still smoking a little bit. “The worst part of hell was thinking that I would never get to see my best friend again,” he said. You better believe they were both blubbering all over the place like a bunch of babies after a line like that.
Later, at breakfast, Charmiranda forgot all about the muffins, and a bee got stuck in her nose. She thrashed around all over the place and knocked over the carafe of juice. When she finally got it out, one of her nostrils swelled up to like three times its normal size and stayed that way for the rest of the summer. Snakferd always said that made the whole thing worth it.
“It’s just not possible! I know for a fact!”
Everyone’s attention was being drawn to the corner table as the discussion rose in volume and intensity in the roadside tavern.
“What, you’re a pyromancer now!?” shouted The Blue One. “We’re not getting into this again.”
“All I’m saying is that maybe it’s not as clean cut as you think it is. There are forces in this world even we don’t know about,” said The Green One, rising from his chair, “and if you’re not willing to accept the obvious truth, you’re just as bad as they are. Wake up! Even the Sheep-People fucking get it!”
The usual din of the room had stopped and all eyes were on them. Commotion wasn’t uncommon in the tavern but to see two wizards in such a heated argument was rare.
“Sit down please, you’re embarrassing me.”
“You’re embarrassed? I’m so sorry.” The sarcasm wasn’t lost on The Blue One. “I guess I’ll just go back to my hovel and stop caring about the truth, I guess. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? If I just shut my third eye, that would be just fine with you!” The Green One started to turn, but felt a tug on his oversized sleeve.
“Stop. Listen, I’m sorry. I know you’re passionate about this. I’m glad you’re using your third eye, just sometimes… I don’t know.” The Blue One let out a sigh, “I haven’t told you this, but if we’re going to try to make this work, I shouldn’t keep secrets. Here it goes. My familiar actually died in the Twin Spires collapse.” The glisten of a magical tear could be seen in the corner of The Blue One’s eye. “That’s why I get so worked up when you go on a rant. It hurts. And I don’t believe that a shadowy malevolent mist caused it or that it was a false banner operation. It was two dragons. That’s what dragons do. They burn things.”
The Green One hesitated, “I… I had no idea. I’m the one that should be apologizing. I hate seeing you upset, and I don’t want to be the reason for that.”
“Thank you, I’m sorry too.”
They sat in silence, sipping their ales.
The Green One shifted in his seat. “Dragon fire can’t melt mithril beams!”
“Alright, fuck you, I’m leaving!”
“THE GOBLINS CONTROL THE BANKS!”
A few excerpts from A Collection Of Wizard Poems, Vol. 1
For sale: baby shoes, never worn.
Thanks to an errant spell.
Baby has cloven hooves.
Unexpected long term money saver.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
Using the wand of Oiyadbm
I split my very self into two and traveled both
Quake in fear for I am everywhere
Tiger Tiger, burning bright
Set ablaze by my fireball spell
That’s what you get
For peeing outside the litter box Marvin
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Shall I compare thee to a winter’s night?
Shall I compare thee to a common water fowl?
It’s your 30 gold pieces, I can transmogrify you into whatever you like
Makes no difference to me
Do not go gentle into that good night
Fly into the inky blackness upon the back
Of a screeching manticore and let all the kingdom know
The boys are back in town