The Cowboy Wizard

Once there was a wizard who loved a ropin’ and a ridin’ lil’ doggies out on the plains. He had two wands a hangin’ low on his belt and a magic horse named Pilgrim that could talk and stood on its hind legs to drink whiskey like a man.

This one time Cowboy Wizard and Pilgrim were bunkin’ out under the stars and jamming away on their harmonicas, when they heard a buncha ruckus a comin’ up through the canyon.

“What in tarnation is that?” asked Pilgrim.

“I don’t know,” said Cowboy Wizard, “but I reckon we oughta check it.”

He jumped up on Pilgrim’s back (which was okay for him to do, since they were friends and they had discussed it beforehand) and galloped off faster’n a rattlesnake what saw a plum delicious lookin’ horntoad.

When they got to the place from whence the ruckus had emanated, they saw their arch-nemesis, Doc the Kid, a fifth level cleric who was as ornery a polecat as ever you did see. For instance, he had used his dark magic to get a PhD, even though he was only twelve, and everyone agreed it was total bullshit.  

Right away, Cowboy Wizard saw that D the K was trying to rustle up his lil’ doggies, and that got him madder than a mule with a short tongue and a gob a molasses betwixt its eyes.  

“Unhand them lil’ doggies!” he shouted, “Fore we commence to a fussin’ and a feudin’!”

“No can do!” answered Doctor the Kid, “The Dark Lord doth desire these lil’ doggies as a sacrifice in His name. Praise be unto Him!”

Cowboy Wizard climbed down off a Pilgrim and started to unsling the magic staff he kept attached to his saddle (he was kind of far away, and as you probably know, staffs have better range than wands) but before he could turn around, Doctor Kid pulled a low down dirty trick and shot him right in the back with a fire and brimstone spell. Luckily Cowboy Wizard was an atheist, so it didn’t affect him.

“Now ya done it!” yelled CW as he took aim with his staff and zap! hit The Kid right between the eyes.

At first Doctor Kid had no idea what had happened, then he looked down and saw that he had small furry paws and a cute fluffy belly. Cowboy Wizard had turned him into a real polecat! Which according to Wikipedia is basically like a ferret, so he wasn’t even dangerous or anything.

“Oh come on you guys!” he yelled, while Cowboy Wizard and Pilgrim and even the lil’ doggies laughed their asses off. Finally, Pilgrim came over and kicked him into the air, and he landed on a cactus and got a bunch of spines stuck in his butt.

Cowboy Wizard thought that was so funny he took Pilgrim out for ice cream for being such a good horse.


Art by Miranda Britton

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