Revenge of the Cursed

If you’ve ever wondered why there are so many mummies and werewolves all over the place I can tell you right now it’s because wizards get pissed so easily. Those guys have no problem throwing a curse around like it’s a tennis ball and normal people are dogs. Well, I guess the people wouldn’t be the dog because you don’t throw the tennis ball at the dog. I guess the people are the grass thirty feet away in this metaphor. If you have trouble remembering that in the future just think “a meadow is for playing fetch with your dog.”  I don’t know if that will help but it might make you remember that it’s fun to go outside and play with your dog and he’ll like that. 

Anyway, wizards curse people to be all kinds of things for little to no reason all the time. Cut a wizard off in traffic? Bang, you’re a snail. Ask him for directions while he’s trying to mix a potion? Bang you’re centipede. And oh, what’s this? The recipe he’s working on just so happens to call for a cursed centipede. What a happy coincidence (but not for you).

The thing about getting cursed is that it automatically makes the cursed thing a little bit magical. Forests and villages are full of magic slugs and beetles that have been cursed by wizards. This isn’t too big a deal unless you accidentally eat one and it causes you to float for the afternoon, or to hiccup rainbows or whatever. Now mummies and werewolves? That’s a different story.

Why wizards curse people to be something that powerful is beyond me, but I suppose they just get bored of frogs and the usual things. Or maybe it’s because they think they can make them do their bidding. This is true, but the wizard usually ends up forgetting about them and they wander off. That’s how they end up in London drinking pina coladas at Trader Vic’s or annoying Brendan Fraser for no reason.

One time a bunch of the cursed creatures decided to get together to get revenge on the wizards. The little ones rode on the big ones all the way from The Cursed Forest to Curstie Alley where all the wizards who like to curse people hang out (not to be confused with Curtsy Alley where wizards who like to do fancy bows hang out).

“Hey!” shouted the mummy, kicking over a garbage can “We’re all sick of your shit and demand you uncurse us right now or we’re gonna trash this whole place but good!” 

Unfortunately for him it was one of those trash cans with a fire in it, so when he kicked it over he caught on fire and fell over double-dead.

It was a pretty inauspicious beginning but the werewolf decided she had to run with it. “Yeah! What he said!” she barked “And the rest of us aren’t as flammable so don’t get any ideas.” 

This statement was somewhat undercut by the fact that the cursed moths had all just flown into the flamming mummy, but the rest of the creatures stood their ground. 

“Oh puh-lease,” said one of the wizards, “Like we’re afraid of you! Why don’t you get out of here before we decide to give you extra curses just for being annoying?”

“Yeah, ya dumb dumberfucks!” shouted this other wizard who was super drunk, “Take a one of these in your keister meister!”

“Karl, NO!” shouted all the wizards but it was too late. You see the first wizard was bluffing. If you curse someone who has already been cursed they just get way too powerful. The werewolf suddenly found herself wrapped in a bunch of old bandages and the part of her brain that kept her from being a total raving lunatic was retroactively removed with a ceremonial hook.

The now mummified werewolf rushed at the wizards with the ferocity of an alligator that was mistaken for a crocodile (they hate that). She started biting and clawing and using whatever powers mummies have. Ale and blood and long-ass beard hairs were going everywhere.

Now obviously the wizards were wizards and had plenty of magic spells to cast, but the other creatures were rallied now, and if you’re ever tried fighting a mummy/werewolf while a bunch of cursed lizards and bugs were biting your legs you know what a pain in the ass it can be. 

Things were getting pretty out of control until finally the owner of The Cursed Alley Brew Pub came out and starting banging a baseball bat on the wall and screaming “Hey! Knock it off!” That made everyone feel bad for being so disrespectful and they decided they should probably take his advice and knock it off. 

A cursed bullfrog offered to buy everyone a round of ale and they all sat around and kind of hashed it out. The wizards agreed to uncurse the creatures based on how douchey the thing that got them cursed in the first place was. For instance, the guy who told a wizard to “suck his butt” when he found out the price of a love potion got turned from a slug back into a guy, but the lady who stole a wizard’s hat off his head when he wasn’t looking and did a dance she called “the dance of the little-dick sorcerer” had to stay a dung beetle for another six months. Everyone agreed it was pretty fair.

As for the mummy/werewolf, she decided to stay that way because it was so badass. Clearly she was a super dangerous monster now, but without her the historical compromise never would have been reached, so everyone agreed that was pretty fair too.   

Art by Misty Joy



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